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Post by snow on Jul 14, 2015 16:42:21 GMT -5
I think many people would find it hard to tell the police on one of their parents, because you're still their child and a part of them. Especially if your mum is asking you not to tell anyone. I think domestic violence is very complex. Because it involves emotional bonds too. Turning your father over to the police, isn't the same reporting a theft. It would be a whole lot harder, don't you think? Especially if you mum loves him and doesn't want him locked up. Which many women involved in DV do. You wouldn't believe what you will put up with in certain situations! Especially when it involves emotions! And some people are very good playing on your emotions and no matter what they do to you, you soften up and give in! Absolutely, it happens slowly and subtly and by the time it gets to the point of dangerous the woman is so worn down, has such low self worth etc., that it is very hard to escape from the situation. They are very good at making you believe you deserved it and it is your fault they loss their temper and hit you. I was lucky and did escape. What helped me was I didn't want my children brought up in a home where DV was the norm. I didn't want them to think that's what marriage was supposed to be like, or for my son and daughter to have 1. a role model of a father who hit his wife and 2. a role model of a mother that allowed the abuse and did nothing. Was one of the hardest things I ever have done though. Those who ask a someone why they didn't turn in their parent when they were older just doesn't understand the dynamics of abuse. It's not just the mother that gets abused, the kids do in a very real sense too. They still love their father for many reasons. They have been told all their lives to be quiet about it. Their mother may have told them not to do anything. So to blame a child, even a grown one, makes it evident that they really don't understand the dynamics of the situation.
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Post by emy on Jul 14, 2015 20:52:34 GMT -5
Roslyn, when you were a young girl, say 15 or 16, if you had gone to a sister worker you felt close to and told her what had been happening for years, what do you suppose the result would have been? Just to speculate...
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Post by Roselyn T on Jul 14, 2015 22:32:22 GMT -5
Roslyn, when you were a young girl, say 15 or 16, if you had gone to a sister worker you felt close to and told her what had been happening for years, what do you suppose the result would have been? Just to speculate... Emy, I really don't know, if I had done that my father would have blamed my mother either by saying she done it or that she told me to, then once again he would have taken his anger out on my Mum. I suppose it would the depend what the sister worker done with the information then, I cannot imagine my father taking any advise from a sister worker. Also he would have denied anything was happening, then it would be his word against mine.
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Post by emy on Jul 14, 2015 22:56:08 GMT -5
Roslyn, when you were a young girl, say 15 or 16, if you had gone to a sister worker you felt close to and told her what had been happening for years, what do you suppose the result would have been? Just to speculate... Emy, I really don't know, if I had done that my father would have blamed my mother either by saying she done it or that she told me to, then once again he would have taken his anger out on my Mum. I suppose it would the depend what the sister worker done with the information then, I cannot imagine my father taking any advise from a sister worker. Also he would have denied anything was happening, then it would be his word against mine. Thanks for giving it some thought.
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Post by snow on Jul 14, 2015 23:21:33 GMT -5
Roslyn, when you were a young girl, say 15 or 16, if you had gone to a sister worker you felt close to and told her what had been happening for years, what do you suppose the result would have been? Just to speculate... Emy, I really don't know, if I had done that my father would have blamed my mother either by saying she done it or that she told me to, then once again he would have taken his anger out on my Mum. I suppose it would the depend what the sister worker done with the information then, I cannot imagine my father taking any advise from a sister worker. Also he would have denied anything was happening, then it would be his word against mine. That's the thing about abuse also. Telling someone that doesn't use the information very carefully, would just bring about more abuse in the end. So in a reverse justification that is actually quite relevant, you did protect your mom by not telling because you knew if it got back to him there would be hell to pay. Even in that day and age, going to the police was a risk if nothing was done. He would get even for having been put through that. Many women after they have left are stalked and killed because they had the audacity to leave and humiliate him. It is not a win win even if you do report the abuse. I lived in fear for a long time after leaving. He threatened me in many ways to try and get me to return. Thankfully I was one of the lucky ones that didn't get beat up afterward, but it happens all too often.
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Post by whyisitso on Jul 14, 2015 23:39:27 GMT -5
Emy, I really don't know, if I had done that my father would have blamed my mother either by saying she done it or that she told me to, then once again he would have taken his anger out on my Mum. I suppose it would the depend what the sister worker done with the information then, I cannot imagine my father taking any advise from a sister worker. Also he would have denied anything was happening, then it would be his word against mine. That's the thing about abuse also. Telling someone that doesn't use the information very carefully, would just bring about more abuse in the end. So in a reverse justification that is actually quite relevant, you did protect your mom by not telling because you knew if it got back to him there would be hell to pay. Even in that day and age, going to the police was a risk if nothing was done. He would get even for having been put through that. Many women after they have left are stalked and killed because they had the audacity to leave and humiliate him. It is not a win win even if you do report the abuse. I lived in fear for a long time after leaving. He threatened me in many ways to try and get me to return. Thankfully I was one of the lucky ones that didn't get beat up afterward, but it happens all too often. My heart goes out to you ladies. Brave move Snow that you were able to get out for your kids. Your mum was no less brave that she didn't Ros. Every abuser is different and it may not have been something your mum could've done. I have no words for a coward man who raises his hand to a woman in anger. Is your dad still alive Ros? And if so what is your relationship like with him now?
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Post by Roselyn T on Jul 15, 2015 1:21:18 GMT -5
Yes whyisitso, he is still alive, my relationship with him is really hard to explain, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him because I believe part of his problem goes back another generation. His mother was the boss in the home when he grew up, they were taught to put their father down. But the other part of me gets very angry with him for what he made my Mum suffer. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he blames Mum for everything. He also denies that I witnessed anything.
He is the sort of person that thinks he is "never wrong" and will not listen to anyone else. He doesn't understand loyalty. It is very complicated !
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bella
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Post by bella on Jul 15, 2015 10:29:31 GMT -5
Roselyn, sounds like your Dad may fit the description of someone with classic 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' indicators.
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Post by whyisitso on Jul 15, 2015 16:17:32 GMT -5
Yes whyisitso, he is still alive, my relationship with him is really hard to explain, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him because I believe part of his problem goes back another generation. His mother was the boss in the home when he grew up, they were taught to put their father down. But the other part of me gets very angry with him for what he made my Mum suffer. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he blames Mum for everything. He also denies that I witnessed anything. He is the sort of person that thinks he is "never wrong" and will not listen to anyone else. He doesn't understand loyalty. It is very complicated ! Ugh. It's a tough situation to be stuck in. Prayer is probably all you've got in that instance. Did you ever read that narcissistic family link on SWOT? I'd say you would've. It was a good read. Let me know if you haven't got it and I'll pm it to you. Bella is probably right in that assumption. There were 12 points in the article. I found it good to read because I finally felt like someone 'got it'!
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Post by emy on Jul 15, 2015 16:51:40 GMT -5
Yes whyisitso, he is still alive, my relationship with him is really hard to explain, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him because I believe part of his problem goes back another generation. His mother was the boss in the home when he grew up, they were taught to put their father down. But the other part of me gets very angry with him for what he made my Mum suffer. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he blames Mum for everything. He also denies that I witnessed anything. He is the sort of person that thinks he is "never wrong" and will not listen to anyone else. He doesn't understand loyalty. It is very complicated ! Still not having any remorse makes it doubly sad.
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Post by snow on Jul 15, 2015 18:19:01 GMT -5
Yes whyisitso, he is still alive, my relationship with him is really hard to explain, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him because I believe part of his problem goes back another generation. His mother was the boss in the home when he grew up, they were taught to put their father down. But the other part of me gets very angry with him for what he made my Mum suffer. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he blames Mum for everything. He also denies that I witnessed anything. He is the sort of person that thinks he is "never wrong" and will not listen to anyone else. He doesn't understand loyalty. It is very complicated ! Still not having any remorse makes it doubly sad. Having remorse you have to first of all admit that you did it and it was wrong. It's probably something he can't do because he probably couldn't handle it. My mother viewed a time my dad was slamming my head against the cement side walk as trying to save me from hurting myself because I was slamming my head against the sidewalk. She actually believed that. I asked her why my boyfriend pulled my father off me and got me out of there if he thought my father was attempting to help me. She didn't say anything. She couldn't admit to it because she stood there and watched and didn't say anything. Our brains protect us from the horror and try to justify events by rewriting them. I can understand that I suppose, but I was really surprised when she gave me that version of the same event. It made me understand a lot of things about my childhood.
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Post by Roselyn T on Jul 16, 2015 16:23:43 GMT -5
Roselyn, sounds like your Dad may fit the description of someone with classic 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' indicators. I agree bella
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 16:43:46 GMT -5
Nor is he the only Dad or Grandfather to fit such a description. Where is the line between something genetic and something learned? Do people suddenly become such all on their own?
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Post by Mary on Jul 17, 2015 1:54:06 GMT -5
It is a combination of nurture / nature, not one or the other.
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Post by Roselyn T on Nov 9, 2015 21:20:01 GMT -5
I won't be responding any further to your abusive posts. I stand by the statements I have made. a)The fact that you asked me to participate on this thread b)That you later asked me about an abuser being allowed by workers to take the emblems are just two of the number of reasons that I state that you are/were searching for some way to lay blame for a domestic situation on the workers. You invited/requested me to participate on this thread and with this post my participation concludes. I was foolish to even begin participating. My experience has been that it is not possible to have a rational sensible discussion with you. I'm sorry but this is my experience. Bluster and abuse and do all you like, I have no more to say. wishes Review, excuse me ! My abusive posts ! You are the one that has accused me of not doing anything to help my mother ! I was 4 YEARS OLD when it first happened Review ! My parents were married for 6 years before I was born, they separated when I was 18 at which point my mother moved out of the family home, then lived with me & my ex husband for the next 9 years, so how dare you say I did nothing ! At what age do you propose I should have gone to the Police, Review ? You have no understanding of abuse or how children feel in a home where there is DV. Also I will repeat at NO TIME have I blamed the F&W Church. I asked you what you as a Minister of the F&W church would do if you knew someone was being abused, I also asked at what point does DV become a matter for The Church ? All you are concerned about is that I might blame the F&W Church, you show no compassion or understanding of this situation. As far as having a rational sensible discussion, do you not understand how it makes the victim of DV feel when you say "You should have reported it" I was a child ! Maybe a few people need to re-read this thread and look at Mr @review005's sound advise !!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 21:24:12 GMT -5
Workers have on many cases turned a blind eye to massive amounts of domestic violence - against spouses and children. In fact, workers have on many cases encouraged domestic violence, particularly against children.
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Post by howitis on Nov 11, 2015 5:40:24 GMT -5
I think one of the most heart breaking things a mother may ever have to do, is listen to her daughter's funeral plans, over the phone, after the man she once loved has threatened her life.
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Post by emy on Nov 11, 2015 17:26:59 GMT -5
I think one of the most heart breaking things a mother may ever have to do, is listen to her daughter's funeral plans, over the phone, after the man she once loved has threatened her life. How awful
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