Need help/Got a problem

[loveanurse]

Posted this on the main board as well:
My ex husband has informed my sons that they are going to have a half sister in 3 months. My sons didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Now they are confused because my ex is vague with his relationship as to where it is now or where it is going. They are under the impression that having a little sister it is going to be the same as how the boys are together and how close they are etc. He told them the woman will be moving to Houston, TX and he is going to "go see the baby as much as possible". When my oldest son asked him if he was going to marry her, he told them "we are talking about it" and told him that nothing was going to change, etc.

The logical thing someone might say is 'just ask him' or whatever but with my ex that is not possible. He is not the most honest person and probably wouldn't tell me much anyway. The ex mother in law isn't discussing it either. A friend of mine who professes goes to meeting in their home and hasn't heard of the news yet, they are keeping it quiet.
I am very sad for this baby as I am sorry for my sons all the time. Thank God my husband is an amazing step father to them and does everything for them a father should.

My ex has only supervised visitation with my sons and doesn't see them a whole lot so I don't see it possible my sons are ever going to know much of their new sister.
I am going on and on...sorry. Just need to know if anyone has any words of encouragement and any suggestions on what to tell my sons. I had to go through the discussion again of how people should be married then have kids, etc, etc. Anything else y'all can think of that would be helpful??

Thanks in advance....

[IllinoisGal]

My Thoughts are this: If your boys are small children and they werent going to see the sister anyways why even bring it up until the final decisions are made as to if he is gonna marry this lady and where she will live.

Chances are it would never be a bro / sis relationship with them if your husband has supervised visitation anyways. I think these kinds of things just complicates kids lives.

[kencoolidge]

Loveanurse

Perhaps there some positives here. Your ex has been honest with your boys. Since I do not know the particulars nor the man I am assuming alot. From what you have written it would seem to me that his plans are to marry the woman even though it sounds non-committal.
If he has been faithful in visiting the boys then he is still wanting to be a part of their life. This is good. If and when he marries the woman,it will a family unit that you and the boys will be dealing with. Your boys are fortunate to have a loving stepfather. I believe that your ex also is a good man perhaps needing forgiveness and understanding.
I do know that when I remarried and made a special trip to tell my girls they were going to have a brother there was some apprehension on my part but they received the news with joy and took away all the fears. My oldest is 45 and my son is now 34 and love they one another dearly. Children are more flexible and understanding than us adults. Don't worry God will work hings out. What ever you do, do in love
Hope I haven't muddled or made matters worse.

[wanttobewithGod]

How old are you sons if you don't mind me asking? That will make a lot of difference. My son has a half sister as well...he knows, but has never met her. It honestly hasn't been an issue even. I haven't stressed it to him that he SHOULD know her or anything...because at this point, I don't feel he should (we live 300 miles away anyway)...that is unless he WANTED to. If he wanted to, we would find a way to make it happen....but since he isn't bothered either way at his age (he's almost 15 but found out probably 7/8 years ago already) I just let it lie. I'm sure he will probably want to meet her when he gets older and I'm glad....and I'm glad things worked out this way. Less problem for all parties involved....my ex (b/f) isn't with that child's mother anymore either. She wised up too.

I don't really know what to tell you....but depending on their ages..it may not even be an issue you need to bring up yet. I wouldn't fret TOO much over it....but you can only decide for yourself. Let them know, but let them decide. You may find, like I did, that it won't be as big of an issue as you thought...and they can have a great relationship when they get older and are better equipped to deal with things.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. (ps..that's nice, Ken!!)

[loveanurse]

Thank you both for awesome advice!
Ken....no matters worse. But I will try to clear up any assumptions the best I can. I love to give credit when credit is due but cannot in my ex's case, sadly. I am constantly "fixing" the things he tells them so this is not new. But they (my boys, 10, 71/2 and 4 1/2) were confused when he told them in the car on the way out to our house. I am happy to hear your children are so close, that is wonderful! I have 2 step sons as well, have them half the time and they all love each other dearly and fight like "real" brothers!
The ex has not been real faithful in seeing the boys from what the boys say. It kind of goes in spurts. I have forgiven my ex but don't give him understanding. I hope that doesn't sound mean but if you have been through what we have with him, it would be easier to understand.
My ex's predicament is if he were to move to Texas, his parents wouldn't have his visitation. And I am really getting into particulars here and could go on forever so I will chill for now...ha ha. So I would be shocked literally if he married her. But am thankful for the words and the reminder of how flexible children really are! And since they found out a week ago I think they brought it up only once so they really can't be that concerned, right?

WanttobewithGod: Also appreciated your advice and will let it lie since they are so little. When they are older I will support them in whatever they decision they make. I am glad he ex wised up! I think I will just continue to sit back and let them bring it up. Off the subject, but last Christmas, he told the boys I was lying and there was no such thing as Santa.....it's just one thing after another!
Sounds like I can learn a lot from the both of you...seems like you have been there done that.
Hope y'all are having a good, quiet Sunday. My hubby is making mexican pork chops....smellin' pretty good!

[loveanurse]

Illinois Gal:
Also, thanks for the advice. I don't bring it up to them, I just want to know the best way to explain things. But sounds like I need to not worry about it anyway....continue to pray about it and things will work out the way they are supposed to anyway.
Have a good one!

[squekey12345]

loveanurse my only advice is that you pray hard about the situation and let god take care of it sometimes he knows how to take care of things in the best way possible. when we worry about such things i have learned that it just adds to our stress it reminds me of they hynm "in jesus hands" when i start to worry about something like this my mind often goes to that hymn

[loveanurse]

Thank you for the message. You are so right! Sometimes I get so busy trying to make sure everything is okay and taking control when really I have no control with the big picture. There is a verse in Matthew about not worrying, I need to memorize it.....

[pianoman]

The best advice I could offer is to try to show Godly love to all involved, teach your children the difference between right and wrong and what God wants from them. You must be a good example!!! I am not saying perfect but just do your best. The reason I send this advice is that I am a 60 year old man that had a love child in 1976, and even though I was wrong in producing the child, I took my resonsibility seriously and raised this precious little girl as best as I could. Today she is 32, has given me 4 beautiful grandchildren and we are very close, even though she resented me and probably hated me for being a strict father, but here is the pay off!!!! SHE IS TELLING ME HOW MUCH SHE APPRECIATES ME JUST TAKING HER AND LOVING HER AND LEAVING NO DOUBT THAT I LOVE HER ALWAYS!! It is not easy but learn to bite your tongue and smile a lot. God will help you with the rest of it! I received a lot of flack for being so loose with my morals to have a child out of wed-lock, but I just shrugged that off too and I am so glad I did. Good luck to you

[Deleted]

Dear Friend,

Sadly, I am just not qualified to offer you advice in particulars. This I DO know, however, love always works and never fails. Tough to do sometimes, but if we can teach our children who our God is (Love) and thus a wee bit how to love, why then, we have accomplished much of what we are destined to attempt.

This does not mean (to ME, anyway) that everyone defines love the same way, nor that love forces people into stressful situations with which they simply cannot cope nor wish to continue. We are born to families. When parents play favorites over children, or pit them against each other for approval, or fail in giving praise and EXPRESSING love verbally and tenderly (the way children, and many adults, I believe) understand best then the potential for disaster is greatest.

On the other hand, smiles, the joyfully the exact opposite is true. When children are never given to feel another is favored, nor pitted one against the other for anything, much less approval, and are praised and verbally loved, then the potential for outstanding results is the greatest.

All the best! I believe remembering that love between a man and woman is intended to produce children, when they become included in that love between a man and woman, even when step-parents are involved, that the flexibility and yes, even resiliency of children finds it easiest to blossom. Wish I had more advice to offer, but the personal situation you all find yourself in is just outside my base of knowledge and experience.

Kindest regards in a greater love,

Dennis