Post by TULIP on Mar 27, 2006 20:50:16 GMT -5
From another board.....
I WAS B&R IN THE "TRUTH" AND I HAVE RECENTLY STOPPED GOING TO THE MEETINGS. BEFORE I CAME TO THE DECISION TO STOP ATTENDING MEETINGS I WAS VERY TORN BETWEEN DISPLEASING MY FAMILY (PARENTS) AND LIVING MY OWN LIFE. I RE-PROFESSED LAST YEAR AT CONVENTION AND AT THE TIME I WAS IN SERIOUS DESPAIR OVER DECISIONS I HAD MADE AND THE MISTAKES I HAD MADE IN THE PAST. AS MANY HAVE DONE, I BELIEVED THE OVER ALL CURE FOR MY PROBLEMS WAS TO PROFESS. OF COURSE, I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO GOD BECAUSE I HAD BEEN TAUGHT ALL MY LIFE THAT THERE IS A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK TO GOD.
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD START FROM THE BEGINNING.
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO DISCUSS MY FEELINGS ABOUT "TRUTH" WITH MY PARENTS DUE TO THE PRESSURE THAT THEY PLACE ON ME AS A DAUGHTER THAT I SHOULD BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE. I HAVE HAD A VERY TROUBLED LIFE BUT I HAVE ALWAYS KEPT MY SENSES ABOUT ME AND HAVE NOT LET SATAN COMPLETELY TAKE OVER MY LIFE. I WAS RAISED IN YOUR TYPICAL "PROFESSING" HOUSEHOLD. I "PROFESSED" WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15 AND OF COURSE I HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE BIBLE EXCEPT WHAT I HAD BEEN TOLD BY THE WORKERS AND MY PARENTS. I WAS MADE TO PRATICIPATE IN BIBLE STUDIES, WHICH MY DAD WAS ALWAYS CONDESENDING AND BELITTLED MY SIBLING AND I FOR NOT KNOWING ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS AND AFTER WE GAVE OUR PART IN MEETING HE WOULD TELL US WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE SAID INSTEAD OF WHAT GOD HAD LAID ON OUR HEARTS TO SAY. OF COURSE, I SUPPOSE IN HIS MIND WHAT WE HAD "RECEIVED" WAS NOT FROM GOD BECAUSE WE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO PRAY. AT AGE 15 A YOUNG GIRL IS NOT WANTING TO GO TO MEETING AND DRESS IN SKIRTS DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES, STOCKINGS, AND "GRANNY" CLOTHES. I DID NOT FIT IN SCHOOL AND THIS FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE. I BEGAN LYING TO TRY TO FIT IN AND TOOK "WORLDLY" CLOTHES WITH ME TO SCHOOL TO CHANGE INTO ONCE I GOT THERE. THE LYING CAUGHT UP TO ME (OF COURSE) AND I WAS AN OUTCAST. I DID NOT FIT IN WITH THE GIRLS THAT WENT TO MEETING BECAUSE I DID NOT DRESS, ACT OR SOCIALIZE THE "RIGHT WAY." TO ADD TO THE PAIN OR HORROR OF MY CHILDHOOD I WAS RAPED AND MOLESTED BY ONE OF THE FRIENDS WHO WAS ALSO A FAMILY MEMBER BY MARRIAGE. I DID NOT TELL ANYONE UNTIL MUCH LATER IN LIFE. SO, I CARRIED THE BURDEN OF SHAME AROUND WITH ME ON TOP OF MY DAD BEING A TYRANT AND KNOWING THAT STEPPING OUT OF LINE IN ANY SHAPE, FASHION OR FORM WOULD SET HIM OFF. AS AN EXAMPLE, MY SIBLING FOUND SOME COSTUME JEWELRY I HAD STASHED AWAY, FOR FEAR OF MY PARENTS FINDING IT, AND HE SHOWED IT TO MY DAD AND THUS I RECEIVED A BEATING FOR HAVING THE JEWELRY AND WEARING IT TO SCHOOL, WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE BEFORE OTHERS. I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A RADIO, GO TO THE MOVIES, HAVE FRIENDS, GO TO SLEEPOVERS OR SOCIALIZE WITH ANY KIDS MY AGE OUTSIDE OF MEETING. I NOW KNOW WHY I GREW UP NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY SOCIALIZE WITH OTHERS AND FEELING INADEQUATE. I FAILED IN SCHOOL AND DID NOT CARE, I FAILED IN LIFE AND DID NOT CARE. IT SEEMED ALL I EVER HEARD GROWING UP WAS "WHAT IS (MY NAME) WEARING?" "WHAT DOES (MY NAME) HAVE ON?" I NEVER WILL FORGET GOING TO CONVENTION GROUNDS ONE YEAR TO PREPS AND I HAD BEEN WORKING HARD ALL DAY AND I FINISHED ONE PROJECT AND I WENT TO THE MAIN HOUSE TO ASK WHERE ELSE I WAS NEEDED AND THE YOUNG SISTER WORKER ASKED THE OLDER SISTER WORKER WHO DID NOT REALIZE I WAS STANDING THERE OR DID NOT CARE THAT I WAS STANDING THERE SAID "WHO, THE GIRL IN THE PANTS? WHAT DOES SHE WANT?" WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT MAKE WHAT GARMENTS I HAD ON? DID THAT AFFECT MY SPIRIT OR HERS?
OF COURSE, I EVENTUALLY RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND THEN WENT BACK AND OF COURSE THE FIRST THING MY DAD SAID WHEN I GOT BACK "GO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BROTHER WILL BE HOME SOON." I STARTED GOING TO COLLEGE AND IN THE MEANTIME MET WHAT SEEMED LIKE A NICE PROFESSING BOY. WE EVENTUALLY MARRIED AND I SOON REALIZED HE WAS NOT FOR ME. AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR SEVERAL YEARS I TOLD HIM ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME AS A TEENAGER AND OF COURSE HE WAS TO YOUNG AND IMMATURE TO HANDLE THIS INFORMATION. HE GAVE UP ON ME AND CREATED A NEW INTEREST IN PORNOGRAPHY AND OTHER WOMEN. WHICH NOW THAT I LOOK BACK ON IT, I THINK HE HAD THOSE INTEREST LONG BEFORE I CAME ALONG. I GUESS THE POINT OF ALL THAT INFORMATION IS, NOT ALL PROFESSING MEN ARE SAINTS. MY PARENTS STILL WANT ME TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO PROFESSES. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW HE ACTS OR HIS SPIRIT, JUST SO HE GOES TO MEETING OR PROFESSES. GO FIGURE.
THE REASON I WENT BACK AND TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE BRINGS ME WHERE I AM TODAY. CONFUSED. I HAVE BEEN ASKED BY THE "WORKERS" TO NOT PRATICIPATE IN THE MEETING (GIVE MY TESTIMONY OR TAKE PART IN THE BREAD AND WINE) DUE TO A CERTAIN SITUATION IN MY LIFE. BUT, THERE ARE THOSE IN OUR MEETING WHO HAVE SITUATIONS IN THEIR LIVES THAT RAISE A FEW EYEBROWS. I AM NOT CASTING ANY STONES IN ANYONES GENERAL DIRECTION. HOWEVER, I CAN NOT HELP BUT FEEL SINGLED OUT. NONE OF THE "FRIENDS" HAVE CONTACTED ME TO SEE HOW I AM DOING NOR DID THEY WHILE I WAS GOING TO MEETING. WHEN I WAS IN MEETING I FELT AS THOUGH THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" OR "LOOKING AT ME IN A CONDESENDING MANNER"
I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONAL SCARS FROM "THE FRIENDS" AND WORKERS AND FAMILY MEMBERS I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. HOW DO YOU DO IT? HOW I SERVE GOOD WILL BE MY CHOICE AND WILL NOT BE IMPOSED BY OTHERS. BECAUSE HE WHO SEEKS TO SAVE HIS LIFE WILL LOSE IT DOING WHAT OTHERS WANT BUT HE WHO IS WILLING TO LOSE HIS LIFE AND LET THE UNTRUE SELF DIE WILL SAVE HIS LIFE. SO I OPENED MY HEART AND BY BIBLE AND STARTED TO READ.
THE MAN THAT I SHARE MY LIFE WITH NOW IS WARM, CARING, PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING. HE HAS INSPIRED ME TO BE ASSERTIVE AND TO START CLIMBING THE LADDER OF SPIRITUAL SUCCESS. I KNOW WITH THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST LEADING ME AND THE HAND OF GOD UPON ME THE LADDER WILL BE LEANING AGAINEST THE RIGHT WALL WHEN I GET TO THE TOP. JUST AS A GRADUATION IS A COMMENCEMENT, AND NOT A TERMINATION, AND THE BIBLE ENDS IN A REVELATION AND NOT A CONCLUSION YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT BEGINNINGS.
MAY GOD GUIDE YOU AND MAY YOU PRAY ALWAYS FOR EVERYONE.
I WAS B&R IN THE "TRUTH" AND I HAVE RECENTLY STOPPED GOING TO THE MEETINGS. BEFORE I CAME TO THE DECISION TO STOP ATTENDING MEETINGS I WAS VERY TORN BETWEEN DISPLEASING MY FAMILY (PARENTS) AND LIVING MY OWN LIFE. I RE-PROFESSED LAST YEAR AT CONVENTION AND AT THE TIME I WAS IN SERIOUS DESPAIR OVER DECISIONS I HAD MADE AND THE MISTAKES I HAD MADE IN THE PAST. AS MANY HAVE DONE, I BELIEVED THE OVER ALL CURE FOR MY PROBLEMS WAS TO PROFESS. OF COURSE, I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO GOD BECAUSE I HAD BEEN TAUGHT ALL MY LIFE THAT THERE IS A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK TO GOD.
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD START FROM THE BEGINNING.
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO DISCUSS MY FEELINGS ABOUT "TRUTH" WITH MY PARENTS DUE TO THE PRESSURE THAT THEY PLACE ON ME AS A DAUGHTER THAT I SHOULD BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE. I HAVE HAD A VERY TROUBLED LIFE BUT I HAVE ALWAYS KEPT MY SENSES ABOUT ME AND HAVE NOT LET SATAN COMPLETELY TAKE OVER MY LIFE. I WAS RAISED IN YOUR TYPICAL "PROFESSING" HOUSEHOLD. I "PROFESSED" WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15 AND OF COURSE I HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE BIBLE EXCEPT WHAT I HAD BEEN TOLD BY THE WORKERS AND MY PARENTS. I WAS MADE TO PRATICIPATE IN BIBLE STUDIES, WHICH MY DAD WAS ALWAYS CONDESENDING AND BELITTLED MY SIBLING AND I FOR NOT KNOWING ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS AND AFTER WE GAVE OUR PART IN MEETING HE WOULD TELL US WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE SAID INSTEAD OF WHAT GOD HAD LAID ON OUR HEARTS TO SAY. OF COURSE, I SUPPOSE IN HIS MIND WHAT WE HAD "RECEIVED" WAS NOT FROM GOD BECAUSE WE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO PRAY. AT AGE 15 A YOUNG GIRL IS NOT WANTING TO GO TO MEETING AND DRESS IN SKIRTS DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES, STOCKINGS, AND "GRANNY" CLOTHES. I DID NOT FIT IN SCHOOL AND THIS FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE. I BEGAN LYING TO TRY TO FIT IN AND TOOK "WORLDLY" CLOTHES WITH ME TO SCHOOL TO CHANGE INTO ONCE I GOT THERE. THE LYING CAUGHT UP TO ME (OF COURSE) AND I WAS AN OUTCAST. I DID NOT FIT IN WITH THE GIRLS THAT WENT TO MEETING BECAUSE I DID NOT DRESS, ACT OR SOCIALIZE THE "RIGHT WAY." TO ADD TO THE PAIN OR HORROR OF MY CHILDHOOD I WAS RAPED AND MOLESTED BY ONE OF THE FRIENDS WHO WAS ALSO A FAMILY MEMBER BY MARRIAGE. I DID NOT TELL ANYONE UNTIL MUCH LATER IN LIFE. SO, I CARRIED THE BURDEN OF SHAME AROUND WITH ME ON TOP OF MY DAD BEING A TYRANT AND KNOWING THAT STEPPING OUT OF LINE IN ANY SHAPE, FASHION OR FORM WOULD SET HIM OFF. AS AN EXAMPLE, MY SIBLING FOUND SOME COSTUME JEWELRY I HAD STASHED AWAY, FOR FEAR OF MY PARENTS FINDING IT, AND HE SHOWED IT TO MY DAD AND THUS I RECEIVED A BEATING FOR HAVING THE JEWELRY AND WEARING IT TO SCHOOL, WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE BEFORE OTHERS. I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A RADIO, GO TO THE MOVIES, HAVE FRIENDS, GO TO SLEEPOVERS OR SOCIALIZE WITH ANY KIDS MY AGE OUTSIDE OF MEETING. I NOW KNOW WHY I GREW UP NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY SOCIALIZE WITH OTHERS AND FEELING INADEQUATE. I FAILED IN SCHOOL AND DID NOT CARE, I FAILED IN LIFE AND DID NOT CARE. IT SEEMED ALL I EVER HEARD GROWING UP WAS "WHAT IS (MY NAME) WEARING?" "WHAT DOES (MY NAME) HAVE ON?" I NEVER WILL FORGET GOING TO CONVENTION GROUNDS ONE YEAR TO PREPS AND I HAD BEEN WORKING HARD ALL DAY AND I FINISHED ONE PROJECT AND I WENT TO THE MAIN HOUSE TO ASK WHERE ELSE I WAS NEEDED AND THE YOUNG SISTER WORKER ASKED THE OLDER SISTER WORKER WHO DID NOT REALIZE I WAS STANDING THERE OR DID NOT CARE THAT I WAS STANDING THERE SAID "WHO, THE GIRL IN THE PANTS? WHAT DOES SHE WANT?" WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT MAKE WHAT GARMENTS I HAD ON? DID THAT AFFECT MY SPIRIT OR HERS?
OF COURSE, I EVENTUALLY RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND THEN WENT BACK AND OF COURSE THE FIRST THING MY DAD SAID WHEN I GOT BACK "GO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BROTHER WILL BE HOME SOON." I STARTED GOING TO COLLEGE AND IN THE MEANTIME MET WHAT SEEMED LIKE A NICE PROFESSING BOY. WE EVENTUALLY MARRIED AND I SOON REALIZED HE WAS NOT FOR ME. AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR SEVERAL YEARS I TOLD HIM ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME AS A TEENAGER AND OF COURSE HE WAS TO YOUNG AND IMMATURE TO HANDLE THIS INFORMATION. HE GAVE UP ON ME AND CREATED A NEW INTEREST IN PORNOGRAPHY AND OTHER WOMEN. WHICH NOW THAT I LOOK BACK ON IT, I THINK HE HAD THOSE INTEREST LONG BEFORE I CAME ALONG. I GUESS THE POINT OF ALL THAT INFORMATION IS, NOT ALL PROFESSING MEN ARE SAINTS. MY PARENTS STILL WANT ME TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO PROFESSES. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW HE ACTS OR HIS SPIRIT, JUST SO HE GOES TO MEETING OR PROFESSES. GO FIGURE.
THE REASON I WENT BACK AND TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE BRINGS ME WHERE I AM TODAY. CONFUSED. I HAVE BEEN ASKED BY THE "WORKERS" TO NOT PRATICIPATE IN THE MEETING (GIVE MY TESTIMONY OR TAKE PART IN THE BREAD AND WINE) DUE TO A CERTAIN SITUATION IN MY LIFE. BUT, THERE ARE THOSE IN OUR MEETING WHO HAVE SITUATIONS IN THEIR LIVES THAT RAISE A FEW EYEBROWS. I AM NOT CASTING ANY STONES IN ANYONES GENERAL DIRECTION. HOWEVER, I CAN NOT HELP BUT FEEL SINGLED OUT. NONE OF THE "FRIENDS" HAVE CONTACTED ME TO SEE HOW I AM DOING NOR DID THEY WHILE I WAS GOING TO MEETING. WHEN I WAS IN MEETING I FELT AS THOUGH THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" OR "LOOKING AT ME IN A CONDESENDING MANNER"
I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONAL SCARS FROM "THE FRIENDS" AND WORKERS AND FAMILY MEMBERS I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. HOW DO YOU DO IT? HOW I SERVE GOOD WILL BE MY CHOICE AND WILL NOT BE IMPOSED BY OTHERS. BECAUSE HE WHO SEEKS TO SAVE HIS LIFE WILL LOSE IT DOING WHAT OTHERS WANT BUT HE WHO IS WILLING TO LOSE HIS LIFE AND LET THE UNTRUE SELF DIE WILL SAVE HIS LIFE. SO I OPENED MY HEART AND BY BIBLE AND STARTED TO READ.
THE MAN THAT I SHARE MY LIFE WITH NOW IS WARM, CARING, PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING. HE HAS INSPIRED ME TO BE ASSERTIVE AND TO START CLIMBING THE LADDER OF SPIRITUAL SUCCESS. I KNOW WITH THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST LEADING ME AND THE HAND OF GOD UPON ME THE LADDER WILL BE LEANING AGAINEST THE RIGHT WALL WHEN I GET TO THE TOP. JUST AS A GRADUATION IS A COMMENCEMENT, AND NOT A TERMINATION, AND THE BIBLE ENDS IN A REVELATION AND NOT A CONCLUSION YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT BEGINNINGS.
MAY GOD GUIDE YOU AND MAY YOU PRAY ALWAYS FOR EVERYONE.
your life must be controlled by God or he won't come near you 
