Recovering From The Trauma of 'The Truth'

[soulfulflower]

Hey everyone!        

The last time I came on this website was when I was struggling extremely hard with leaving the meetings. I was on the verge of being kicked out because I wanted to leave, and had to move out of my home due to desperation and the terrible circumstances I was in. I come on here again to talk about the different ways in which I am still trying to understand the trauma I underwent from being a part of the meetings my whole life up until a year ago. I'm writing this in case anyone here can relate or bring up their own experiences. My goal is to help anyone who may be feeling the different ways this trauma is impacting their life and feel confused or at odds with what it means. 

Every single time it's cold in the morning and the smell of coffee is in the air, I get an instant flashback to being on the convention grounds early in the morning at 7 am to have breakfast. Every. Damn. Time I get this flashback. It's been over a year and it still goes on. 

Any time I smell the scent of the dryer going on and the scent comes out through the vents outside of someone's house, I get a flashback to being on convention grounds and having to volunteer for the job of folding the laundry and clothes of the workers. 

I struggle with understanding the concept that what could happen to someone else could happen to me at any time. Because I was raised so protected, being told the world is a terrible, unsafe place, and that 'we are not like the world' and 'we are not of the world' and lots of freak accidents being brought up in the meetings as examples, I now struggle with the reality of the world, which is that anything unsafe can happen to em at any time just like for anybody. I was lead to believe that because I went to meetings I am 'extra protected'. 

I have monthly reocurring dreams of either being at meeting, having panic attacks at convention grounds, walking around aimlessly feeling lonely on the convention grounds, having to sing hymns, dreams of walking around town and spotting workers, workers following me, all sorts of variations of dreams in which I am reminded over and over again of my trauma. 

I have trust issues. My whole life I was taught that the world will never understand who I am, that only people from meetings can be trusted, that if I leave meetings I will get into a freak accident and regret every choice I ever made, that when I die I will burn in hell. I struggle with believing that I am in fact a part of the world and that we are all in fact ONE. There is no separation, there is no division, but meetings taught me to fear the world and that the world will always let me down. 

I was taught to only view things surface level. If families in meeting look perfectly happy, then take that as the truth, when in fact it is the opposite. Abuse, neglect, manipulation, unhappy marriages, anger, addiction-- these, and more, are all things that happen ALL the time within families at meeting. This made me more naive in the way I saw the world, and encouraged me to ignore very BASIC red flags in people, in the truths of situations. 

Certain smells of foods send me back to convention grounds. Every time I hear a hymn, even if its from a completely different church, if it's a hymn from meeting it will send me back. I understand lots of these things are basic qualifications for trauma: reocurring nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc. I'm curious to hear if there is anyone else on here that struggles from these types of things. I'm happy to say that I'm doing pretty great now, and am on a journey to discovering my own spirituality and happiness. This trauma still partakes of my life however, and itll be a while before it ever goes away but anywho. Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

[1chinesewhispers]

Dear Soulfulflower , your post was very touching and honest and beautiful . You will have memories for a long time . Yes there are triggers , but the greatness of the good world will come . You will find more peace . It’s there waiting for you .
Whatever you choose for your spirituality and mental health with be there in tough times and carry on believing . You are more than capable of living your new dreams . Dream big ! Dream like you never have . Seek peace . I find my peace in the woods by the river surrounded by nature . I whisper to the universe and wait for a answer . Do not fear darkness , it passes .
When troubles come be confident in yourself .
Be fierce and fearless . You can achieve your goals
You define who you are now your freedom is there . You are driving the bus now . The vehicle of life . You control it and a map will come to Mark your journey . You no longer are bond by the truth .
It’s a tough road , but believe in better , no longer under the thumb of the TRUTH . I believe in you and your new journey . Be fearless !

[soulfulflower]

Aug 5, 2020 17:31:18 GMT -5 1chinesewhispers said:

Dear Soulfulflower , your post was very touching and honest and beautiful . You will have memories for a long time . Yes there are triggers , but the greatness of the good world will come . You will find more peace . It’s there waiting for you .
Whatever you choose for your spirituality and mental health with be there in tough times and carry on believing . You are more than capable of living your new dreams . Dream big ! Dream like you never have . Seek peace . I find my peace in the woods by the river surrounded by nature . I whisper to the universe and wait for a answer . Do not fear darkness , it passes .
When troubles come be confident in yourself .
Be fierce and fearless . You can achieve your goals
You define who you are now your freedom is there . You are driving the bus now . The vehicle of life . You control it and a map will come to Mark your journey . You no longer are bond by the truth .
It’s a tough road , but believe in better , no longer under the thumb of the TRUTH . I believe in you and your new journey . Be fearless !

Thank you for your beautiful response, I really appreciate it! It was great to read all of that encouragement. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post!

[Deleted]

Soulfulflower every B&R ex has had the same experience you are having. Getting away from it is filled with fear and trepidation. It took us 20 years before we became more relaxed. And that came about by a chance meeting with a fine Christian couple. They weren't bible bashers, but practical people living the life. Even after 50 years there will still be flashbacks. More in dreams now, at Convention, or in a Meeting. I sometimes wake up terrified because I am the only one there without clothes on, or without a Bible and Hymn book. Frightening but big relief it is only a dream. With time the nightmare of being a 2x2 does leave you, but you need patience and persistence.

1chinesewhispers gave good advice by saying "Be fearless". An irrational fear is called a phobia. As a 2x2 you learn nothing but fear, fear of the World, fear of people, fear of your looks, fear of not going to Heaven, fear of Hell,etc..The aim is to keep you fearful and under Worker's control. Not a happy way to live. Be brave, get out and explore, it is a beautiful World. Read lots. 50 years ago we never had the internet to help us, we were very much alone. Also there are support sites like questioningfriends.com , wonderful mentors for support. Learn about other religions, I have found Buddhism very interesting. I have no intentions of becoming one, but you can get new inspiration from other teachings.

Saying that something bad will happen if you leave is just another fear thing. 2x2's like everybody else have tragedies in there lives. That is a sad part of life. Of course if you are a 2x2 it is "God's Will" if it happens to an ex it is "Punishment". Sort of a bit hypocritical, typifies 2x2 shallow thinking.

[soulfulflower]

Aug 5, 2020 19:52:52 GMT -5 @redback said:

Soulfulflower every B&R ex has had the same experience you are having. Getting away from it is filled with fear and trepidation. It took us 20 years before we became more relaxed. And that came about by a chance meeting with a fine Christian couple. They weren't bible bashers, but practical people living the life. Even after 50 years there will still be flashbacks. More in dreams now, at Convention, or in a Meeting. I sometimes wake up terrified because I am the only one there without clothes on, or without a Bible and Hymn book. Frightening but big relief it is only a dream. With time the nightmare of being a 2x2 does leave you, but you need patience and persistence.

1chinesewhispers gave good advice by saying "Be fearless". An irrational fear is called a phobia. As a 2x2 you learn nothing but fear, fear of the World, fear of people, fear of your looks, fear of not going to Heaven, fear of Hell,etc..The aim is to keep you fearful and under Worker's control. Not a happy way to live. Be brave, get out and explore, it is a beautiful World. Read lots. 50 years ago we never had the internet to help us, we were very much alone. Also there are support sites like questioningfriends.com , wonderful mentors for support. Learn about other religions, I have found Buddhism very interesting. I have no intentions of becoming one, but you can get new inspiration from other teachings.

Saying that something bad will happen if you leave is just another fear thing. 2x2's like everybody else have tragedies in there lives. That is a sad part of life. Of course if you are a 2x2 it is "God's Will" if it happens to an ex it is "Punishment". Sort of a bit hypocritical, typifies 2x2 shallow thinking.

Thank you for your super detailed response, I truly appreciate it. It is great for me to know that I'm not the only one still dealing with all these flashbacks and such. And it's also inspiring to me to hear from someone who left the 2x2 a long time ago and sometimes still faces challenges, it encourages me to not be hard on myself even if I face these same challenges much longer down the line. After all, these were our childhoods, and our childhoods shaped us to be who we are when we grew up and it's no wonder the 2x2 group had such a nasty effect. It's insane to realize how much fear was used as a tactic, as an encouragement and as a push towards continuing the the traditions and patterns that affect so amny people negatively. 

[1chinesewhispers]

In the strange and frightening forest, the Buddha found freedom from fear by facing it down and recognizing it as a temporary mind state. In other teachings, he makes the helpful distinction between unskillful fear and skillful fear.

[1chinesewhispers]

Such good advice from redback . He helped me with my fear . I feared that I would go to hell . He gave another perspective on that . It was like dropping 30lbs . I am just the rat 🐀 sh— crazy 😜 one on here .

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2020 16:59:00 GMT -5 soulfulflower said:

Hey everyone!        

The last time I came on this website was when I was struggling extremely hard with leaving the meetings. I was on the verge of being kicked out because I wanted to leave, and had to move out of my home due to desperation and the terrible circumstances I was in. I come on here again to talk about the different ways in which I am still trying to understand the trauma I underwent from being a part of the meetings my whole life up until a year ago. I'm writing this in case anyone here can relate or bring up their own experiences. My goal is to help anyone who may be feeling the different ways this trauma is impacting their life and feel confused or at odds with what it means. 

Every single time it's cold in the morning and the smell of coffee is in the air, I get an instant flashback to being on the convention grounds early in the morning at 7 am to have breakfast. Every. Damn. Time I get this flashback. It's been over a year and it still goes on. 

Any time I smell the scent of the dryer going on and the scent comes out through the vents outside of someone's house, I get a flashback to being on convention grounds and having to volunteer for the job of folding the laundry and clothes of the workers. 

I struggle with understanding the concept that what could happen to someone else could happen to me at any time. Because I was raised so protected, being told the world is a terrible, unsafe place, and that 'we are not like the world' and 'we are not of the world' and lots of freak accidents being brought up in the meetings as examples, I now struggle with the reality of the world, which is that anything unsafe can happen to em at any time just like for anybody. I was lead to believe that because I went to meetings I am 'extra protected'. 

I have monthly reocurring dreams of either being at meeting, having panic attacks at convention grounds, walking around aimlessly feeling lonely on the convention grounds, having to sing hymns, dreams of walking around town and spotting workers, workers following me, all sorts of variations of dreams in which I am reminded over and over again of my trauma. 

I have trust issues. My whole life I was taught that the world will never understand who I am, that only people from meetings can be trusted, that if I leave meetings I will get into a freak accident and regret every choice I ever made, that when I die I will burn in hell. I struggle with believing that I am in fact a part of the world and that we are all in fact ONE. There is no separation, there is no division, but meetings taught me to fear the world and that the world will always let me down. 

I was taught to only view things surface level. If families in meeting look perfectly happy, then take that as the truth, when in fact it is the opposite. Abuse, neglect, manipulation, unhappy marriages, anger, addiction-- these, and more, are all things that happen ALL the time within families at meeting. This made me more naive in the way I saw the world, and encouraged me to ignore very BASIC red flags in people, in the truths of situations. 

Certain smells of foods send me back to convention grounds. Every time I hear a hymn, even if its from a completely different church, if it's a hymn from meeting it will send me back. I understand lots of these things are basic qualifications for trauma: reocurring nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc. I'm curious to hear if there is anyone else on here that struggles from these types of things. I'm happy to say that I'm doing pretty great now, and am on a journey to discovering my own spirituality and happiness. This trauma still partakes of my life however, and itll be a while before it ever goes away but anywho. Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

sorry to hear you left. whatever you do though don't give up on God...

[Deleted]

1chinesewhispers rest assured you are not a rat 🐀 sh— crazy 😜 one on here . We admire your courage and strength to cope with your difficult situation.

[1chinesewhispers]

From the sorrow for our child , our family has healed rifts we had . We (my ex) we’re always acting as family for all the kids , we still love each other . Like we were still married . We divorced just last year . But the kids came first always . We went for supper with everyone the night we filed for divorce . All the kids . The poor waiter asked what we were celebrating and my ex said our divorce . That young man didn’t know what to say . We were happy laughing as a family . Now we have aunties and such back in our lives . We have mended those relationships . We have great love , we never stopped but had a falling out . They are back and we are loving it as a family . It is sad our daughter is so ill 😷 to do so ! We are at peace . Many texts flying . I know they all want to be in Toontown . Their hearts 💕 are there . No harsh words , now is not the time . My girls had a extra dad when their father committed suicide . His devotion to my girls never stopped . Even as we struggled with our youngest’s addiction we pulled together as a family . I have sisters-in-law back , niece’s back . Sad it took the COVID19 to do so . But here we are embracing each other . We always loved each other , we just had a challenge and moved apart . I spent one hour and seventeen minutes today of talking to a niece I raised . Never mind the texts . We are grateful and moving ahead . Thrilled to be back as family . My baby received many texts today of encouragement and love . I read them to her , to remind her we need her in our lives . No giving up ! The next challenge coming is telling my granddaughter about her mom . Chanelle celebrates her birthday on August 7th . This weighs heavy on my heart ❤️ . I probably will not tell yet .
I just don’t feel ready . So my ex and I discussed it and will not right now it . He will tell her when needed .
I am so grateful for that man . He stepped up and made my girls his girls . It is a dichotomy . We are not together . He lives in British Columbia . We live in Alberta and our oldest daughter is in Toontown . But love knows no boundaries . A lesson to us . We don’t allow the abuse of the TRUTH at hands of 2X2’s interfere . The abuse we suffered no longer defines us .
So Soulfulflower , good will come . Get ready for a awesome life .
BE FEARLESS PLEASE !

[Deleted]

Thanks very much for sharing that with us 1chinesewhispers. You obviously don't let past events harden your heart. You move on showing love and compassion. We can all learn from that, love should always replace hatred.

Hatred can be turned into love, you have proved that CW, we admire you for that. Love unites, hatred divides.

[1chinesewhispers]

Cycling , but not on a bike . From the trauma . A fractured mind from the truth and the abuse it endured . 45 years away from the truth . Excommunicated at 14 years old .
So one minute so joyful and happy . The world is great , beautiful and within a small reach , but unable to grasp it .
A minute , or hour , hours , a day or days , dark very dark . Frightened , weeping , scared , desperate , pain and terror . It’s called BIPOLAR DISEASE . However don’t call it MANIC as the psychiatric term it’s the by product of the name of the disease . It is called BIPOLAR . Thus the manic is a part of bipolar sometimes deep depression as well . Some on here some say psychosis is the medical term it’s all under a umbrella . It’s not , it falls under schizophrenia and sometimes under the bipolar or schizopaffective . So then add , panic and anxiety disorder . Is the TRUTH TO BLAME 💯 % not at all Ya get on that hamster wheel . Unable to get off the hamster wheel , so trying to clutch anything stable . As you watch your baby in ICU FROM COVID19 . You cannot show the distress . Upon arrival at 8 my child was cycling . It feeds on you as well sometimes . As lucid as that child maybe she wants to join her grandpa . He is in Abraham’s bosom . That child also suffered assaults from 2X2’s
Thus not a good day . Mommy please , please mommy let me go . Unable to do so . Denied !!! Clutching at anything . The spiralling begins in me .
I am feeding into the manic . So I medicated to be rational and calm . When she was distracted by the doctors 🥼 .

Rest assured darkness leaves . You most likely will not endure this . 1% chance . Odds in your favour .
Be FEARLESS ! The universe will provide what you need . Stay strong as you explore the wonderful world you can embrace . This is a very extreme case . She got it from both parents . So today that is where we are . I have headed to the old railway bridge across the river now . Into nature and calm , quiet 🤫 peace . I will restart the day while there .
As I said extremely good , excellent odds that you are SAFE from this , it’s very rare .

Embrace your freedom and be FEARLESS ! The best is yet to come . Smoke 💨 a lot of weed jk
All is good now !!!!!!!! Pick a creator of your choice , it can be a rock , who knows for sure .
Stay away from the hamster 🐹 wheel . Ride the fairest wheel and enjoy the view .

[openingact34]

Aug 5, 2020 16:59:00 GMT -5 soulfulflower said:

Hey everyone!        

The last time I came on this website was when I was struggling extremely hard with leaving the meetings. I was on the verge of being kicked out because I wanted to leave, and had to move out of my home due to desperation and the terrible circumstances I was in. I come on here again to talk about the different ways in which I am still trying to understand the trauma I underwent from being a part of the meetings my whole life up until a year ago. I'm writing this in case anyone here can relate or bring up their own experiences. My goal is to help anyone who may be feeling the different ways this trauma is impacting their life and feel confused or at odds with what it means. 

Every single time it's cold in the morning and the smell of coffee is in the air, I get an instant flashback to being on the convention grounds early in the morning at 7 am to have breakfast. Every. Damn. Time I get this flashback. It's been over a year and it still goes on. 

Any time I smell the scent of the dryer going on and the scent comes out through the vents outside of someone's house, I get a flashback to being on convention grounds and having to volunteer for the job of folding the laundry and clothes of the workers. 

I struggle with understanding the concept that what could happen to someone else could happen to me at any time. Because I was raised so protected, being told the world is a terrible, unsafe place, and that 'we are not like the world' and 'we are not of the world' and lots of freak accidents being brought up in the meetings as examples, I now struggle with the reality of the world, which is that anything unsafe can happen to em at any time just like for anybody. I was lead to believe that because I went to meetings I am 'extra protected'. 

I have monthly reocurring dreams of either being at meeting, having panic attacks at convention grounds, walking around aimlessly feeling lonely on the convention grounds, having to sing hymns, dreams of walking around town and spotting workers, workers following me, all sorts of variations of dreams in which I am reminded over and over again of my trauma. 

I have trust issues. My whole life I was taught that the world will never understand who I am, that only people from meetings can be trusted, that if I leave meetings I will get into a freak accident and regret every choice I ever made, that when I die I will burn in hell. I struggle with believing that I am in fact a part of the world and that we are all in fact ONE. There is no separation, there is no division, but meetings taught me to fear the world and that the world will always let me down. 

I was taught to only view things surface level. If families in meeting look perfectly happy, then take that as the truth, when in fact it is the opposite. Abuse, neglect, manipulation, unhappy marriages, anger, addiction-- these, and more, are all things that happen ALL the time within families at meeting. This made me more naive in the way I saw the world, and encouraged me to ignore very BASIC red flags in people, in the truths of situations. 

Certain smells of foods send me back to convention grounds. Every time I hear a hymn, even if its from a completely different church, if it's a hymn from meeting it will send me back. I understand lots of these things are basic qualifications for trauma: reocurring nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc. I'm curious to hear if there is anyone else on here that struggles from these types of things. I'm happy to say that I'm doing pretty great now, and am on a journey to discovering my own spirituality and happiness. This trauma still partakes of my life however, and itll be a while before it ever goes away but anywho. Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

There are different levels of trauma, but we all suffer very similar effects of the mind control programming.

I find it helpful to remember that my brain is essentially a biological computer that a cult has worked very hard to take control of over my entire childhood.  Its good to be very serious about learning about this, but you can also have a lot of fun with the results rather than just agonizing over your situation.

If you start Googling terms like "cult pseudo identity" or "cult pseudo personality" you will quickly find some very interesting stuff that psychologists have been studying.  In broad strokes, people who are recruited into cults gradually have a new identity or layer to their personality that conforms to the cult behaviors and tries to suppress their authentic self and personality.  In the context of the Truth, terms like being "born again", "breaking their will", becoming a "babe in Christ", "dying daily to self" and having a "broken and contrite heart" all are referring to this.

There is more debate about what happens with people who are born and raised in cults.  But especially for those of us who made it out or were very rebellious, resisted professing, etc.; we seem to have also secretly developed a clear sense of self with an authentic personality and values that is independent from the layer that the cult programs on top.

Some people are rather debilitated by this even after leaving, but I've gotten to the point where I get amused by having 2 "modes".  It's not exactly like switching your computer from English to Spanish, but more like Normal to 'Shrill, Paranoid, Religious Nutjob'.  Your normal personality reacts to people and situations, but you can also run the "professing program" and see how that belief system would react.  Very rarely now professing mode pops up on its own and it's like: "What the hell was that?  Oh that was a bit of 2x2 cult malware".  The latest one was watching the 60 Minutes Australia Special on 2x2 Child Sexual Abusers and professing mode pops up and starts whispering what to say about the victims' hair, clothes, jewelry....all the things that the Truth uses to discredit people.  That time really pissed me off.

But most of the time I have fun with it.  About half my posts on this board are my authentic personality.  The other half of the time I let the professing programming react to whatever people are saying.  That really confuses people   Some interpret it as sarcasm, others are convinced I'm a professing person.  It's really just the reaction that any hearty professing person has been taught to have.  I notice that a lot of the 2x2s on here filter themselves, but they will "like" these posts where I let loose whatever a worker would say from the convention platform away from outsiders or what would be said among a professing family.

Anyways, I say have fun with your superpower, such as it is.  





  

[1chinesewhispers]

Soulfulflower you may be a lotus ! The Lotus flower is regarded in many different cultures, especially in eastern religions, as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth. Its characteristics are a perfect analogy for the human condition: even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower .
It is the Buddhist signature flower 🌺 !
Self-regeneration and enlightenment and purity in your NEW JOURNEY
Jus sayin

[Deleted]

I am always sorry to hear that some struggle in the present with their f&w upbringing. I always found it quite easy to just get on with my life.

The year 2020.    I was at a 90 yr old professing woman’s birthday function on the weekend. Many non professing family members of all ages and some professing folk. Everyone just mingled in and chatted to one another. I felt absolutely no exclusive spirit or self righteousness in the room. ( I don’t deny this still may exist in some pockets elsewhere).
 Some of the oldies I had forgotten but they were saying “ I remember you, I know who you are”. & wanting to catch up. We had some laughs. It was a lovely function.

I hope I’m as sharp in the mind as this dear lady if I get to this age. Knows everything about cricket/ players in N.Z. Quite amazing. 

I had a glass of wine later!

[BobWilliston]

Aug 9, 2020 16:45:12 GMT -5 @seventy said:

I am always sorry to hear that some struggle in the present with their f&w upbringing. I always found it quite easy to just get on with my life.

The year 2020.    I was at a 90 yr old professing woman’s birthday function on the weekend. Many non professing family members of all ages and some professing folk. Everyone just mingled in and chatted to one another. I felt absolutely no exclusive spirit or self righteousness in the room. ( I don’t deny this still may exist in some pockets elsewhere).
 Some of the oldies I had forgotten but they were saying “ I remember you, I know who you are”. & wanting to catch up. We had some laughs. It was a lovely function.

I hope I’m as sharp in the mind as this dear lady if I get to this age. Knows everything about cricket/ players in N.Z. Quite amazing. 

I had a glass of wine later!

I went to convention with my Mom in New Brunswick after I had left, and added an earring to my
identity. I was wonderfully greeted by people I hardly recognized since I'd last seen them,
even all the workers that I knew. And I was invited to visit some at their homes. I remember
the sick feeling I got driving my Mom to the convention the first day, and fought not to turn
around and go home because I was there for her. It made the rest of the time so much better.

The real reason I went 3500 miles to go to that convention was because the only family she had
locally at the convention was my brother and his wife and family who had just put her out of
our family home and refused to compensate he for selling it for a highly priced coveted
property and location. My sister and law stayed out of sight of me the whole time, and I was
not welcome at their home. My brother is an elder with a meeting in their home.

[1chinesewhispers]

The 2X2 ladies had a 85th birthday 🎁 at someone’s home . I got so much love , hugs 🤗
From the old timers . Just beautiful and awesome .
They don’t judge they love . Many know my trials in life and still support me . Unconditional love!
It was beautiful . Because they retained human values ! Where ever I see them , always love .

[1chinesewhispers]

Whoa harsh Bob !
Love the earring , epic
Oh mom hates my piercings
So when I visit I take them out
She asked
I do !

[1chinesewhispers]

Thx It was mom’s birthday . It’s Monday. Earring , Bahaha jk