Humor

[faune]

Mar 16, 2014 16:59:33 GMT -5 @wally said:

i'll admit it i'm a dog person not a cat person...

No hard feelings ~ most people are one or the other. However, I like both, but prefer cats since they are easy to care for and independent by nature.   Also, they don't require daily exercise like dogs, which usually involve walking every evening?

[déjà vu]

> Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack, being a Newfie, would
> fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
>
> But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they
> were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the
> grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful
> that they finally talked to their priest.
>
> The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
> After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass,and as the priest
> sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
> "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant,but now you are a
> Catholic."
>
> Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
> wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
> The priest was called immediately by the neighbours,and, as he rushed into
> Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
> watched in amazement.
>
> There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
> sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz
> born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish."
>

[Annan]

Mar 16, 2014 13:38:16 GMT -5 déjà vu said:

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a tea cher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,


'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer (God) in schools.”

[déjà vu]

[The Nagging Wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[déjà vu]

A young monk arrived at the monastery. He is assigned
to helping the other monks in copying the old Canons
and Laws of the Church by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son." He goes down into the dark
caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held
as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by
and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to
look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old
abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ...

CELEBRATE!"

[faune]

W.Tell ~ So that's what happened with the RCC as a result of all those monks copying copies over and over again down through the years?   They left out the "R" in Celebrate and took it for Celibate and made it a condition for Catholic priests for all time?

It reminds me of the old story about the war being lost for want of a horseshoe nail.

www.swspitcrew.com/articles/For%20the%20want%20of%20a%20nail%201108.pdf

A Little Neglect May Breed Great Mischief”
Root-Cause Thinking Reveals That We Are Only as Strong as Our Weakest Link
“For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe, the horse was lost.
For want of a horse, the rider was lost.
For want of a rider, the battle was lost.
For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost,
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”

[faune]

Here's a funny video relating to prosperity teachers today that will make your sides ache from laughter!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7e9vnwTjJA

[snow]

good grief

[déjà vu]

MARRIAGE & MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! —

[déjà vu]

following is the egregious text:

“Rancher Bundy should’ve told the feds that those were Mexican cows – who came across the border illegally to seek better grazing opportunities. It was an act of love.”




www.foxnews.com/opinion/2014/04/17/facebook-removes-post-about-nevada-rancher-clive-bundy/

[xna]

[xna]

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[xna]

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[lazarus66]

If any of you have been to a specialist, Doctor, they believe that what they do is the answer to all your problems and they can fix it. This is to set up this joke.

A young owl was telling his mother that he wanted to go see some friends at a party one night. He got permission, but mother warned him, "remember, you are an owl and owls can't see well in daylight." The young owl was partying away, when he noticed it was late and daylight would soon be coming. In his rush home, he caught the first light, and ran into a tree branch and was knocked unconscious.
While lying there, a "Ear, nose and throat" Dr. came by, saw the owl and figured his tonsils were needing to be removed so he removed the owls tonsils. The owl was still unconscious and a Proctologist Dr. came by, and decided that the owl suffered from hemorrhoids, so he operated on the owl for hemorrhoids.
Soon the owl awoke and made his way home. His mother greeted him and demanded to know why he was so late and looked so bad. The young owl said " Mom, I was on my way home and ran into a tree and was knocked out. When I woke up, I couldn't hoot worth a crap or crap worth a hoot".

[lazarus66]

I have a blind friend I lived with and he told me this joke.

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's house? No problem, neither has he..........

[déjà vu]

Children in Church
>
>
> A little boy was attending his first wedding.
> After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
> "Sixteen," the boy responded.
> His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
> "How do you know that?"
> "Easy," the little boy said.
> "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
> 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
>

[Gene]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night, wondering if there was a dog.

[xna]

JW

[xna]

Same picture for Valiant Thor sightings.

[xna]

Seems about right

[xna]

It's all in your point of view

[faune]

Forest Gump and St. Peter
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."


1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

[faune]

I Don't Want To Go To Church!

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

[faune]

Hymns for People Over 50


Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

[xna]

Bless ON - Bless OFF

[xna]

DIY

[xna]