Humor

[déjà vu]

A Biblical story modernized...and how times change in 2,000 & some yrs.History will not repeat itself in this case!


In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in USA and said,
"once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying,
"you have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."




Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard-but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."



"I needed a Building Permit."




"I've been arguing with the boat inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."


"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
neighbourhood by-laws by building the ark in my
back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."





"Then the local council and the Electric Company
demanded a shed load of money for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they wouldhear nothing of it."




"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"




"When I started gathering the animals the SPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."




"Then Environment departement ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."



"Immigration is checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."



"The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."




"To make matters worse,
the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country,
illegally, with endangered species."



"So, forgive me, Lord,
but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.




"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."




Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"you mean you're not going to destroy the world?"




"No," said the Lord.
"The US Government beat me to it."




AMEN

[quizzer]

LOL. I did use the environmental regulations as a way to stop some subpar housing projects in my neighborhood. Didn't work as well as the water company stating that it couldn't provide water for so many houses.

Sometimes, I think government regulations work in ways far more mysterious than God.

[lazarus66]

Loved that piece. It does show how much control man needs to exist.



I had a debate with my brother about 40 years ago about man's "progress". I think that the way those in the bible lived, for the most part, in tents and moving about, was much better than polluting, building, and shooting all of the microwaves all around. I guess in my older age, I am more convinced that we have indeed, gone backwards. Now with us outsourcing everything, maybe Noah can get the Japanese to build the ark for him. They really have no boundaries to deal with.

Thanks again for sharing............Dale

[déjà vu]

The lawn mower.

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said,

'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

[déjà vu]

The Church - Changing With The Times





The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked
like a charm. The front of the church always fill first now.''
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are
open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But
I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing
neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

[gecko45]

[déjà vu]

MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA


For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two important new laws - approval of gay marriages and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
It's taken 2014 years for this biblical statement to be understood.

[Gene]

Can't find the "funny things that happened in meeting" thread, so I'll post this here.

This was told to me as a true story:

Younger worker was speaking about the evils of an idle tongue, gossip, etc., and so intended to quote the old, familiar poem -- but got a bit mixed up, so his older companion tried to help him out:

Younger worker:
"A wise old owl sat in a tree,
The more he saw, the less he..." <trying to figure out how it goes, he starts over...>

"A wise old owl sat in a tree,
The more he saw, the less he..." <still confused... older worker speaks up...>

Older worker, gruffly:
"It was an OAK!"

Younger worker:
"A wise old owl sat in an oak tree..." <crowd cracks up laughing>

For those who may not know the poem:

"A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the better we feel.
So let's have beans at every meal."

Reading it over, that doesn't seem quite right...

[CherieKropp]

Gene - you are soooooooooooo bad!!!

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

[Gene]

Feb 5, 2014 9:38:26 GMT -5 CherieKropp said:

Gene - you are soooooooooooo bad!!!

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

THAT'S IT!

Thanks for setting the record straight!

G

[Deleted]

I like the 'let's have beans with every meal' version better...smoother rhythm.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2014 8:41:50 GMT -5 Gene said:

Can't find the "funny things that happened in meeting" thread, so I'll post this here.

This was told to me as a true story:

Younger worker was speaking about the evils of an idle tongue, gossip, etc., and so intended to quote the old, familiar poem -- but got a bit mixed up, so his older companion tried to help him out:

Younger worker:
"A wise old owl sat in a tree,
The more he saw, the less he..." <trying to figure out how it goes, he starts over...>

"A wise old owl sat in a tree,
The more he saw, the less he..." <still confused... older worker speaks up...>

Older worker, gruffly:
"It was an OAK!"

Younger worker:
"A wise old owl sat in an oak tree..." <crowd cracks up laughing>

For those who may not know the poem:

"A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the better we feel.
So let's have beans at every meal."

Reading it over, that doesn't seem quite right...

Doesn't work. After the meal, the bird just wouldn't speaking out its mouth.....

[emy]

Feb 5, 2014 10:45:28 GMT -5 Gene said:

Feb 5, 2014 9:38:26 GMT -5 CherieKropp said:

Gene - you are soooooooooooo bad!!!

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

THAT'S IT!

Thanks for setting the record straight!

G

And now the other little ditty..

Beans, beans,
the musical fruit,
The more we eat
the more we toot.

The more we toot
the better we feel.
So let's have beans at every meanl!!

[déjà vu]

First the Apple





A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of


their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.





After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at


our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must


be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together


in peace for the rest of our days."





The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from


God!"





The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is


completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God


wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she


hands the bottle to the man.





The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and


then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately


puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.





The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"





She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."





Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!!

[What Hat]

Feb 5, 2014 8:41:50 GMT -5 Gene said:

"A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the better we feel.
So let's have beans at every meal."

Somehow I expected this from the man that made THE MACHINE.

[Gene]

Feb 18, 2014 14:02:30 GMT -5 What Hat said:

Feb 5, 2014 8:41:50 GMT -5 Gene said:

"A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the better we feel.
So let's have beans at every meal."

Somehow I expected this from the man that made THE MACHINE.

You mean Dean, Hank, Joe, and Art?

[DumSpiroSpero]

A pastor of a church in a rural area was disappointed to see just one old man turn up for the service one Sunday, not remembering that it was the middle of harvest and everyone was trying to get their crops harvest before the rain came.

The pastor says to the old guy "Well it looks like it's just the two of us, do you think we should still go ahead with the service"

The old guy thought for a while and replied "Well, if I went out to feed my sheep, and only one turned up, I'd still feed it"

The pastor responded "that's a wonderful analogy, thank you for letting me see that"

So the pastor launches into his sermon, and an hour later after much fire and brimstone type preaching, finishes op the service.

As they were parting and the pastor was closing up the church, he asked the old guy "Well how did you enjoy the service?"

The old guy thinks for a bit and responds "Well, if I went out to feed my sheep, and only one turned up, I'd still feed it. But I wouldn't give it the whole damn truckload"

[What Hat]

Feb 18, 2014 17:49:07 GMT -5 Gene said:

Feb 18, 2014 14:02:30 GMT -5 What Hat said:

Somehow I expected this from the man that made THE MACHINE.

You mean Dean, Hank, Joe, and Art?

Must be one of those things that changes by region.

[Annan]

So a drunk is stumbling along the river bank when he comes upon a baptism congregation. The drunk calls out, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Finding Jesus." says the pastor. "Would you like to find Jesus too?"

"Well, why not." says the drunk.

So the pastor dunks the man in the river, pulls him up and asks, "Well, sir, have you found Jesus?"

"No." says the drunk.

So the pastor dunks him again, pulls him up and asks, "Did you find Jesus?"

"Not yet." says the drunk.

The pastor being a little put off at this point, dunks the drunk again and asks, "Did you find Jesus this time, sir?"

"Nope." says the drunk. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Deleted]

Posting this for Dennis. (His wife has had to leave to care for her mother, and will be gone the rest of the week.)

He wanted me to post this bit of humor here that made last night's Houston local news broadcast.

Sunday school teacher for a group of lower elementary school age students:
"What can you tell us about the resurrection?"

Young boy student:
"Well, I don't know what it is, but if it lasts for 4 hours you are supposed to call a doctor!"

[embers]

It was the year 1929. It was a muggy summer down way down in the south. A Tramp Preacher is wandering along an isolated country road, somewhere in rural Gerogia. He comes across another Tramp Preacher who is about to jump off of a bridge.
“Brother! Why are you going to jump off of that bridge?”
“I’m tired of living. My companion ran off with some floozy. I’m travelling alone, and no one will listen to my message. I have no food. I have nowhere to sleep, and I feel completely rejected by God and man. I just want to end it all!”
The first Preacher said, “Well, my companion ran off with a floozy too! I'm also travelling alone! If we agree with one another, maybe we could travel together! Let me ask you some questions. Do you believe in following Mather 10?”
The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe in following Matthew 10!”
The first says, “I don’t believe in the trinity.”
The suicidal Preacher says, “I don’t believe in the trinity either!”
The first Preacher says, “I believe the Roman Catholic Church it the W*o*e of Babylon.”
The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe the Roman Catholic Church is the *h*r* of Babylon too!”
The first Preacher says, "I believe that Hirlings are going to burn in the fires of hell forever and ever!"
The suicidal Preacher says, "I believe in the fires of hell too!"
The first Preacher says, "I believe that meetings must be held in a private home, and that Church buildings are sinful."
The suicidal Preacher says, "I believe in house meetings too! And may God strike all steeples with lightning!"
The first Preacher says, “I believe that women should not cut their hair, nor wear make-up or jewelry.”
The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe woman should be plain too!”
The first Preacher then says, “Well, we agree on all of the basics! So, why don’t you come and travel with me? We can preach together and take care of each other!”
The suicidal preacher says, “I’d love too!”
The first Preacher says, “But, before we agree to travel together, I must ask you one more very important question.”
The suicidal Preacher says, “Go ahead and ask!”
“Do you believe that Edward Cooney is a true Tramp Preacher?”
The suicidal Preacher replied, “Yes, I do!”
The first preacher gives the suicidal preacher a shove off of the bridge and hollars, “Then die you heretic scum! Die!”

[déjà vu]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was



sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling

each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly

in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So, Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[snow]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The young trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo, then got out of his patrol car and walked up to the driver's door. As the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

[embers]

After a Gospel meeting, a young boy of 8 was leaving the Grange Hall. He passed the elder Worker and said, "When I grow up I'm going to give you thousands of dollars."
The elder Worker said, "Well, why would you do that?"
The boy answers, "Because my Dad says you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."

[déjà vu]

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!

A young Canadian paratrooper was taking some
college courses between assignments.

He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was an
avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian
Civil Liberties Association (CCLA).


One day the professor shocked the class when
he came in. He looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform...
I'll give you exactly 15 min."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin
drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor
proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when
the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
clean off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The young soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and
sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually
came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and
asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why
did you do that?"



The young soldier stood up and calmly replied, "GOD
was too busy today protecting soldiers, who are
protecting your right to speak such stupidity and act
like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!
Maybe GOD will be allowed back
into classrooms again!!!!!!!!!.

[déjà vu]

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a tea cher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,


'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.

[faune]

I believe these cat and dog images together should bring a smile to a few faces considering their differences and sometimes antagonistic behaviors?  

www.google.com/search?q=cat+and+dog+pictures&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=Rx0mU8DdKabK2AWf_YCgCg&sqi=2&ved=0CCQQsAQ&biw=1093&bih=470

www.servicedchina.com/2012/05/china-pet-relocation-service-477.html  (Puppy taking the kitten by the tail)

[Deleted]

i'll admit it i'm a dog person not a cat person...