Post by Jessi on Jul 8, 2006 12:13:18 GMT -5
Dear F&W, Ex-F&W, and others:
My story is not unlike many others I have read on the sites, so all the surface things that seem to bother people also bothered me . . . buns and dresses and no TV, radio, dating, Christmas, convention and preps abuses and yada, yada, yada. Yep. Happened to me.
BUT ALL IS FORGIVEN that was done to me in my childhood--because I understand that Christ’s cross granted me repentance. He stood in my place and died my sinner’s death and so I have been forgiven for the many various, weighty, unconscionable and despicable sins I myself have committed. In light of this great truth, I sought to let go of those things in my past that could poison the future. I have eternal life, and so the past doesn’t matter so much anymore, only to explain my salvation and purpose.
Matthew 18:6-10 is all I can offer in the way of explanation for what happened to me as a child. A consequence of this sin against me was a life pattern of sin and debauchery. But I have fully borne the responsibility for those choices and am punished for them (Rev 3:19) because God loved me first. At least I believed there was a God, I said in the crescendo of my angry life’s song. That I believed there was a God was good enough. I believed SOMETHING.
I HAD PROFESSED when I was nine and twice more in my teens. I kept falling away. I was at odds with this works-based salvation early on. The unwritten rules were too much. I was no good. When I left home, I went to an occasional meeting. My mother wrote to the workers wherever I was and they would seek me out. I kept them at arm’s length. They were always too good, never admitting sin or confessing -- a 2x2 trait. Outward perfection. Pharisee-like fascination with appearances.
In 1997, I was told about the websites concerning my childhood church. I typed into my browser words and phrases as were told to me. I was stunned. I saw all the dates, names, places and photos. I ordered a few books listed on the websites. The Secret Sect was the most objective. But once the initial news had run its course, I couldn’t know how to proceed. The sites offered only so much. Man’s wisdom and more studies and pictures and writings of ex-members, berating a faulty foundation and exhibiting spiritual and emotional pain caused by fallen man. I lurked on a message board. I got bored with black stockings and Alberta fiascos. Whatevah, whatevah. Couldn’t save me.
I GOT ON THE SITES again around the end of ’03, willing to give it another shot. Everything was about the same. I got into some more updated chat rooms this time and met people with all sorts of weird ideas, atheists, people who believed they were divine, Kahunas, weird stuff. All the time I was thinking, “How can I discern who is telling the truth or who is right? Voices from all sides. Do this. Believe that. It was insane. I got out. Again.
I WASTED A LOT OF TIME in the beginning going over and over what the F&W believed, making studies of minute details, reading all the books about what they believed, etc. As I perused the sites, read the books written by ex-F&W, pored over the spiral bound “Impartial Reporter” I had ordered — and told people about the group, I think I began to feel a little proud of my heritage. Here was something totally different by which I could identify myself. I was a minority. I was from “special” circumstances (Willie’s great FAILED EXPERIMENT). I was from a CULT. Yeah!
ALL THE BOOKS AND SITES and photos, people my parents used to talk about when I was a kid (Never WI). But what a treasure trove of history and a glimpse of my glorious heritage, huh? – of a false crazy heretic “teacher” who started a group, thought he was Christ, and said he would rise three days after his death. He’s still dead—and if the whole thing wasn’t so stupid, it would be interesting.
Some, I believe, have been used by God to point people in the right direction. Away from false teaching. I believe God raised them up for this purpose. But they have their place in God’s plan and they are not on a pedestal for me. I am grateful. But God gets ALL the glory for raising them up. Men are still men.
A VICIOUS CIRCLE, still somehow keeps appearing to me. Members search sites by and communicate extensively with ex-members who study members and exes. Then, searching members get out and join this other system which studies those in and those half in and half out—probably because many, like I was, are afraid to go to a REAL church. I have discovered that those who study false teachers and their spiritual offspring do not have all the answers. In 97 and 03, feeling very deceived, I gathered no comfort nor did I feel safe around a bunch more recently and still deceived people.
THE SITES WERE HELPFUL, but could not save me. A great start. But once I realized the truth about the F&W, where to begin? Who to believe? I am seeing Alice/Wonderland/fork in the road. Alice asks which road. The Cheshire cat says, “Where are you going?” She says, “I don’t know.” Then, he says, it really doesn’t matter which path she takes. I see some people on these boards frozen, starving at the fork in the road, groping around in the dark, striving over words and the stone of stumbling (Is 8:14, I Peter 2:8)—and have been for two or more years and still cannot come to any conclusions. Still not a professed Christian, still arguing non-essentials and works and appearances and gathering more bad information and giving it. Why would anyone come here to be taught by nameless, faceless typers?
HERE’S WHAT SAVED ME from a similar fate and weened me off the sites for JUST ONE MORE LOOK AT ALL THE WILLIES. Someone told me at a Bible study early in my quest that when looking for counterfeit money, U.S. Government experts study the real thing—so they will know the counterfeit immediately! And so it is that the more I study the true gospel of Christ, the easier it is to recognize counterfeit gospels. If everyone would go and study the real thing, there would be no F&Ws to study. Silly Willie’s grandiose, manic experiment would finally be over.
God gave me time to grieve my past and in His Sovereign Grace, his incredible love and mercy, forgave and saved me when I came before him in the New Year of ’04 and laid my only contribution to my salvation at the foot of the Cross. I left it there and it is nailed there still (Col 2:14).
ON THAT NEW YEAR’S EVE, a copy of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, was sent to me as a gift. I didn’t stay with this one long, either. The book pointed me to the scriptures and encouraged me to find a local body of Christians. These became my source from God for spiritual food. Once I was “out”, the long-abhorred “apostate church” was where I needed to go to seek HELP. I still have difficulty perceiving certain facets of church government, but they are patient with my questions and ALWAYS give a Biblical basis for their answers. I am satisfied that Christ is in them and that Christ is the Head of my church.
I LEARNED AS I READ through the Bible that a local body of Christians is where I must go to have fellowship—or I would not grow spiritually. God plants all kinds of people in churches so we can practice at relationships (my stumbling block). I would rather read alone. But God is ABOUT relationships. He exhibits this in the roles of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
I began to read the Bible through from Genesis with a question in my head. IS JESUS REALLY GOD? At reading some passages--especially those revealing who Jesus is and was and is to come--(Is 9:6, 41:4, 44:6, 48:12-13, Rev 1:8, 2:8, 22:13), I would just sit there gasping for air—stunned. I realize now that God is so powerful, just his sovereign Word written on a page can suck the breath right out of my face! To this I testify--I felt it for myself.
My change is not total or sudden. I am still in the flesh—and yet my spirit is new. I am born again. I grow in spiritual truth, although at first, it seemed totally hopeless for me because I always THOUGHT I was bad . . . but not bad enough to go to hell. As I read, it all made perfect sense. It wasn’t such a leap for me to KNOW that I was bad enough for hell! TURNS OUT, WHAT SAVED ME WAS REALIZING THAT VERY THING!
GOD ALONE, I have learned, deserves ALL credit for saving me. He says “My glory will I not give to another (Is 42:8, 48:11). I am “another” if my salvation depends partly on ME and not entirely on the Grace of God! Jesus is another if He is not God. I know I can achieve nothing on my own and I am nothing without a Savior. Jesus. God. Only through the Christ of God am I good in His pure eyes!
I AM what I am by the grace of God. My purpose now is to glorify Him by all that has happened in my life—which is now new because of Him! I am new! God says: BEHOLD, I MAKE ALL THINGS NEW!” [Rev 21:5]. I am learning. God is NOT FINISHED with me.
That He saved a depraved, worthless creature like me and still loves me after all I have done, proves He is a most gracious, merciful God!
Christ’s Forever,
Jessi
My story is not unlike many others I have read on the sites, so all the surface things that seem to bother people also bothered me . . . buns and dresses and no TV, radio, dating, Christmas, convention and preps abuses and yada, yada, yada. Yep. Happened to me.
BUT ALL IS FORGIVEN that was done to me in my childhood--because I understand that Christ’s cross granted me repentance. He stood in my place and died my sinner’s death and so I have been forgiven for the many various, weighty, unconscionable and despicable sins I myself have committed. In light of this great truth, I sought to let go of those things in my past that could poison the future. I have eternal life, and so the past doesn’t matter so much anymore, only to explain my salvation and purpose.
Matthew 18:6-10 is all I can offer in the way of explanation for what happened to me as a child. A consequence of this sin against me was a life pattern of sin and debauchery. But I have fully borne the responsibility for those choices and am punished for them (Rev 3:19) because God loved me first. At least I believed there was a God, I said in the crescendo of my angry life’s song. That I believed there was a God was good enough. I believed SOMETHING.
I HAD PROFESSED when I was nine and twice more in my teens. I kept falling away. I was at odds with this works-based salvation early on. The unwritten rules were too much. I was no good. When I left home, I went to an occasional meeting. My mother wrote to the workers wherever I was and they would seek me out. I kept them at arm’s length. They were always too good, never admitting sin or confessing -- a 2x2 trait. Outward perfection. Pharisee-like fascination with appearances.
In 1997, I was told about the websites concerning my childhood church. I typed into my browser words and phrases as were told to me. I was stunned. I saw all the dates, names, places and photos. I ordered a few books listed on the websites. The Secret Sect was the most objective. But once the initial news had run its course, I couldn’t know how to proceed. The sites offered only so much. Man’s wisdom and more studies and pictures and writings of ex-members, berating a faulty foundation and exhibiting spiritual and emotional pain caused by fallen man. I lurked on a message board. I got bored with black stockings and Alberta fiascos. Whatevah, whatevah. Couldn’t save me.
I GOT ON THE SITES again around the end of ’03, willing to give it another shot. Everything was about the same. I got into some more updated chat rooms this time and met people with all sorts of weird ideas, atheists, people who believed they were divine, Kahunas, weird stuff. All the time I was thinking, “How can I discern who is telling the truth or who is right? Voices from all sides. Do this. Believe that. It was insane. I got out. Again.
I WASTED A LOT OF TIME in the beginning going over and over what the F&W believed, making studies of minute details, reading all the books about what they believed, etc. As I perused the sites, read the books written by ex-F&W, pored over the spiral bound “Impartial Reporter” I had ordered — and told people about the group, I think I began to feel a little proud of my heritage. Here was something totally different by which I could identify myself. I was a minority. I was from “special” circumstances (Willie’s great FAILED EXPERIMENT). I was from a CULT. Yeah!
ALL THE BOOKS AND SITES and photos, people my parents used to talk about when I was a kid (Never WI). But what a treasure trove of history and a glimpse of my glorious heritage, huh? – of a false crazy heretic “teacher” who started a group, thought he was Christ, and said he would rise three days after his death. He’s still dead—and if the whole thing wasn’t so stupid, it would be interesting.
Some, I believe, have been used by God to point people in the right direction. Away from false teaching. I believe God raised them up for this purpose. But they have their place in God’s plan and they are not on a pedestal for me. I am grateful. But God gets ALL the glory for raising them up. Men are still men.
A VICIOUS CIRCLE, still somehow keeps appearing to me. Members search sites by and communicate extensively with ex-members who study members and exes. Then, searching members get out and join this other system which studies those in and those half in and half out—probably because many, like I was, are afraid to go to a REAL church. I have discovered that those who study false teachers and their spiritual offspring do not have all the answers. In 97 and 03, feeling very deceived, I gathered no comfort nor did I feel safe around a bunch more recently and still deceived people.
THE SITES WERE HELPFUL, but could not save me. A great start. But once I realized the truth about the F&W, where to begin? Who to believe? I am seeing Alice/Wonderland/fork in the road. Alice asks which road. The Cheshire cat says, “Where are you going?” She says, “I don’t know.” Then, he says, it really doesn’t matter which path she takes. I see some people on these boards frozen, starving at the fork in the road, groping around in the dark, striving over words and the stone of stumbling (Is 8:14, I Peter 2:8)—and have been for two or more years and still cannot come to any conclusions. Still not a professed Christian, still arguing non-essentials and works and appearances and gathering more bad information and giving it. Why would anyone come here to be taught by nameless, faceless typers?
HERE’S WHAT SAVED ME from a similar fate and weened me off the sites for JUST ONE MORE LOOK AT ALL THE WILLIES. Someone told me at a Bible study early in my quest that when looking for counterfeit money, U.S. Government experts study the real thing—so they will know the counterfeit immediately! And so it is that the more I study the true gospel of Christ, the easier it is to recognize counterfeit gospels. If everyone would go and study the real thing, there would be no F&Ws to study. Silly Willie’s grandiose, manic experiment would finally be over.
God gave me time to grieve my past and in His Sovereign Grace, his incredible love and mercy, forgave and saved me when I came before him in the New Year of ’04 and laid my only contribution to my salvation at the foot of the Cross. I left it there and it is nailed there still (Col 2:14).
ON THAT NEW YEAR’S EVE, a copy of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, was sent to me as a gift. I didn’t stay with this one long, either. The book pointed me to the scriptures and encouraged me to find a local body of Christians. These became my source from God for spiritual food. Once I was “out”, the long-abhorred “apostate church” was where I needed to go to seek HELP. I still have difficulty perceiving certain facets of church government, but they are patient with my questions and ALWAYS give a Biblical basis for their answers. I am satisfied that Christ is in them and that Christ is the Head of my church.
I LEARNED AS I READ through the Bible that a local body of Christians is where I must go to have fellowship—or I would not grow spiritually. God plants all kinds of people in churches so we can practice at relationships (my stumbling block). I would rather read alone. But God is ABOUT relationships. He exhibits this in the roles of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
I began to read the Bible through from Genesis with a question in my head. IS JESUS REALLY GOD? At reading some passages--especially those revealing who Jesus is and was and is to come--(Is 9:6, 41:4, 44:6, 48:12-13, Rev 1:8, 2:8, 22:13), I would just sit there gasping for air—stunned. I realize now that God is so powerful, just his sovereign Word written on a page can suck the breath right out of my face! To this I testify--I felt it for myself.
My change is not total or sudden. I am still in the flesh—and yet my spirit is new. I am born again. I grow in spiritual truth, although at first, it seemed totally hopeless for me because I always THOUGHT I was bad . . . but not bad enough to go to hell. As I read, it all made perfect sense. It wasn’t such a leap for me to KNOW that I was bad enough for hell! TURNS OUT, WHAT SAVED ME WAS REALIZING THAT VERY THING!
GOD ALONE, I have learned, deserves ALL credit for saving me. He says “My glory will I not give to another (Is 42:8, 48:11). I am “another” if my salvation depends partly on ME and not entirely on the Grace of God! Jesus is another if He is not God. I know I can achieve nothing on my own and I am nothing without a Savior. Jesus. God. Only through the Christ of God am I good in His pure eyes!
I AM what I am by the grace of God. My purpose now is to glorify Him by all that has happened in my life—which is now new because of Him! I am new! God says: BEHOLD, I MAKE ALL THINGS NEW!” [Rev 21:5]. I am learning. God is NOT FINISHED with me.
That He saved a depraved, worthless creature like me and still loves me after all I have done, proves He is a most gracious, merciful God!
Christ’s Forever,
Jessi