Post by wx on Sept 4, 2003 19:40:05 GMT -5
Do you think this arrangement works well?
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Posted on Tue, Sep. 02, 2003
Happy fathers' days
Stay-at-home dads wouldn't trade time they get to spend with their children
By Mary Meehan
It's past nap time.
Brystal and Tavis Hickey, 14-month-old twins, rub their eyes with chubby fists, refusing to give in to sleep. Hoping full tummies might push them into bed, their dad, Ryan, anchors two rolling walkers with his feet, spooning pudding to one blue-eyed girl and then the next with an ease grown from lots of practice.
Unfortunately, the sight of cribs turns the tots into dueling babies, Tavis taking up the squealing chorus as Brystal pauses to breathe. Having stayed at home since the girls, born prematurely, came home from the hospital, this dad has seen it all before.
But this full-time, in-home job came as a surprise to folks who know Ryan, a self-proclaimed former wild child, sports nut, lover of all things NASCAR -- hence the name Brystal in honor of Bristol Motor Speedway. He is, after all, a guy who marks time by whether something happens before or after the first day of bow-hunting season.
"I never thought in my life he'd be a stay-at-home dad," said his wife, Melissa, 29, who was taken with Ryan from the first "How ya'll doing?" seven years ago when she met him at The Grapevine in Lexington, where he was tending bar.
"I really never envisioned staying home," Ryan, 31, said.
Parenting priorities
Census figures show some 1.5 million dads stay at home full-time. But Libby Gill, author of a book about the stay-at-home phenomenon, said the actual number is closer to 2 million.
Many couples, like the-Hickeys, opt for the arrangement because it makes financial sense and they prefer having a parent at home over day care.
"Nothing is better than that," said Ryan, a former salesman who admits he wasn't sure how he was going to like his new role. But, he said, his wife's job as a computer programmer was more lucrative than his, and what would be left from his salary after paying for day care wasn't worth turning his girls over to strangers. "I would have basically been working to pay for day care," he said.
That's the story for many stay-at-home dads, said Jay Massey, who gets 4.5 million to 5 million hits annually on a father-focused Web site called slowlane.com. The parents have to decide what their priorities are and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make.
"It isn't just the man's decision," he said, "It's a family choice."
No Mr. Moms
Stay-at-home dads were, and to some extent still are, an oddity. They often are derided as bungling substitutes for the real, skilled caretaker: Mom. Hence the term Mr. Mom, which Massey and other longtime stay-at-home dads find dismissive. (Ryan, for the record, can take it or leave it. "I like to refer to myself as a-trophy husband," he said.)
There has been a shift in the level of acceptance even since Massey, who lives in Florida, started staying home in 1994. A small but telling victory, he said, is the growing number of changing stations in men's rooms.
Still, there lingers the perception that dads aren't up for the job like moms, said Tim Nabors, a coordinator for a 40-member dad's club in Cincinnati.
"It's amazing how much advice I get going out with my kids," Nabors said. "They say things like, 'So, you're giving Mom a break today.' I used to try to explain. Now I just sort of say 'yeah.'"
It's the same for Ryan, who says he still gets double takes when he strolls his daughters to the park. "When I go to Wal-Mart it's like, 'Twins in aisle five,'" he said.
Gill, whose husband stayed home, said she talked to hundreds of dads for her book, and they all wanted people to know "they are professional parents, that's their role, and that's their job, and they know what they are doing."
Ryan, who'd didn't have much experience with babies, learned as he went along.
"I remember getting a call from him one day, and he said, 'I figured out how to keep the babies from crying. I dip their pacifiers in jelly.' For the longest time I found little plates of jelly all over the house," Melissa said.
Isolation difficult
The diaper changing and bottle feeding weren't the hardest parts for Ryan. It was the feeling of isolation, which Massey and Nabors said is common.
While there are a growing number of dads' groups across the country, it's very much a grass-roots movement. Massey said men aren't the natural joiners women are. And, Nabors said, he knows of dads who went to groups for stay-at-home moms and were told they weren't welcome.
"The first few months are the hardest," Massey said.
"It got to where this place was like a prison to me," Ryan said of his home, as the girls wheeled around the kitchen in their walkers like crabs skittering across the ocean floor.
Outgoing and athletic, Ryan has the affability of a guy you'd like to have at a barbecue.
But as a stay-at-home dad, he'd spend the whole day taking care of the girls and "just get up the next day and have to do it all over again."
"You can't just get up and go someplace," especially with twins, he said. "It was like, 'You know, dude, you haven't been out and done anything since I can remember.'"
Melissa struggled, too. She felt guilty for leaving her kids, even though she knew they were in good hands. She missed out on little things, like seeing Tavis crawl for the first time.
"I was a little jealous," she said, "but he has a tough job."
Then there are the discussions in which the role reversal is clear, such as when she's complaining about how he keeps the house and he's grousing about how he wishes she could come home earlier.
"You've got that Ozzie and Harriet role reversal, but it's not that cut and dried," Massey said, adding each couple must create their own system.
Melissa and Ryan emphasize that they are a team.
She's careful to refer to keeping the children as Ryan's job and makes sure he has time for hobbies.
He praises her as a mother, and he's become more thrifty to keep within the tighter family budget. Plus, he recently took on a part-time job three nights a week to help with finances and give him contact with adults.
They figure they will keep things as they are, at least for a few years.
Even with the challenges, Ryan said he can't imagine it being any other way. Sure, he's changed more diapers in a year than most dads, but he's also gotten more giggles, gurgles and smiles.
Said Ryan: "I wouldn't give up this time for anything."
More info
For more information about stay- at-home dads, start with these-resources:
• Stay-at-Home Dads: The Essential Guide to Creating the New Family by-Libby Gill (Plume, $14).
• www.cincinnatidads.com.
www.slowlane.com
-------
Posted on Tue, Sep. 02, 2003
Happy fathers' days
Stay-at-home dads wouldn't trade time they get to spend with their children
By Mary Meehan
It's past nap time.
Brystal and Tavis Hickey, 14-month-old twins, rub their eyes with chubby fists, refusing to give in to sleep. Hoping full tummies might push them into bed, their dad, Ryan, anchors two rolling walkers with his feet, spooning pudding to one blue-eyed girl and then the next with an ease grown from lots of practice.
Unfortunately, the sight of cribs turns the tots into dueling babies, Tavis taking up the squealing chorus as Brystal pauses to breathe. Having stayed at home since the girls, born prematurely, came home from the hospital, this dad has seen it all before.
But this full-time, in-home job came as a surprise to folks who know Ryan, a self-proclaimed former wild child, sports nut, lover of all things NASCAR -- hence the name Brystal in honor of Bristol Motor Speedway. He is, after all, a guy who marks time by whether something happens before or after the first day of bow-hunting season.
"I never thought in my life he'd be a stay-at-home dad," said his wife, Melissa, 29, who was taken with Ryan from the first "How ya'll doing?" seven years ago when she met him at The Grapevine in Lexington, where he was tending bar.
"I really never envisioned staying home," Ryan, 31, said.
Parenting priorities
Census figures show some 1.5 million dads stay at home full-time. But Libby Gill, author of a book about the stay-at-home phenomenon, said the actual number is closer to 2 million.
Many couples, like the-Hickeys, opt for the arrangement because it makes financial sense and they prefer having a parent at home over day care.
"Nothing is better than that," said Ryan, a former salesman who admits he wasn't sure how he was going to like his new role. But, he said, his wife's job as a computer programmer was more lucrative than his, and what would be left from his salary after paying for day care wasn't worth turning his girls over to strangers. "I would have basically been working to pay for day care," he said.
That's the story for many stay-at-home dads, said Jay Massey, who gets 4.5 million to 5 million hits annually on a father-focused Web site called slowlane.com. The parents have to decide what their priorities are and what kind of sacrifices they are willing to make.
"It isn't just the man's decision," he said, "It's a family choice."
No Mr. Moms
Stay-at-home dads were, and to some extent still are, an oddity. They often are derided as bungling substitutes for the real, skilled caretaker: Mom. Hence the term Mr. Mom, which Massey and other longtime stay-at-home dads find dismissive. (Ryan, for the record, can take it or leave it. "I like to refer to myself as a-trophy husband," he said.)
There has been a shift in the level of acceptance even since Massey, who lives in Florida, started staying home in 1994. A small but telling victory, he said, is the growing number of changing stations in men's rooms.
Still, there lingers the perception that dads aren't up for the job like moms, said Tim Nabors, a coordinator for a 40-member dad's club in Cincinnati.
"It's amazing how much advice I get going out with my kids," Nabors said. "They say things like, 'So, you're giving Mom a break today.' I used to try to explain. Now I just sort of say 'yeah.'"
It's the same for Ryan, who says he still gets double takes when he strolls his daughters to the park. "When I go to Wal-Mart it's like, 'Twins in aisle five,'" he said.
Gill, whose husband stayed home, said she talked to hundreds of dads for her book, and they all wanted people to know "they are professional parents, that's their role, and that's their job, and they know what they are doing."
Ryan, who'd didn't have much experience with babies, learned as he went along.
"I remember getting a call from him one day, and he said, 'I figured out how to keep the babies from crying. I dip their pacifiers in jelly.' For the longest time I found little plates of jelly all over the house," Melissa said.
Isolation difficult
The diaper changing and bottle feeding weren't the hardest parts for Ryan. It was the feeling of isolation, which Massey and Nabors said is common.
While there are a growing number of dads' groups across the country, it's very much a grass-roots movement. Massey said men aren't the natural joiners women are. And, Nabors said, he knows of dads who went to groups for stay-at-home moms and were told they weren't welcome.
"The first few months are the hardest," Massey said.
"It got to where this place was like a prison to me," Ryan said of his home, as the girls wheeled around the kitchen in their walkers like crabs skittering across the ocean floor.
Outgoing and athletic, Ryan has the affability of a guy you'd like to have at a barbecue.
But as a stay-at-home dad, he'd spend the whole day taking care of the girls and "just get up the next day and have to do it all over again."
"You can't just get up and go someplace," especially with twins, he said. "It was like, 'You know, dude, you haven't been out and done anything since I can remember.'"
Melissa struggled, too. She felt guilty for leaving her kids, even though she knew they were in good hands. She missed out on little things, like seeing Tavis crawl for the first time.
"I was a little jealous," she said, "but he has a tough job."
Then there are the discussions in which the role reversal is clear, such as when she's complaining about how he keeps the house and he's grousing about how he wishes she could come home earlier.
"You've got that Ozzie and Harriet role reversal, but it's not that cut and dried," Massey said, adding each couple must create their own system.
Melissa and Ryan emphasize that they are a team.
She's careful to refer to keeping the children as Ryan's job and makes sure he has time for hobbies.
He praises her as a mother, and he's become more thrifty to keep within the tighter family budget. Plus, he recently took on a part-time job three nights a week to help with finances and give him contact with adults.
They figure they will keep things as they are, at least for a few years.
Even with the challenges, Ryan said he can't imagine it being any other way. Sure, he's changed more diapers in a year than most dads, but he's also gotten more giggles, gurgles and smiles.
Said Ryan: "I wouldn't give up this time for anything."
More info
For more information about stay- at-home dads, start with these-resources:
• Stay-at-Home Dads: The Essential Guide to Creating the New Family by-Libby Gill (Plume, $14).
• www.cincinnatidads.com.
www.slowlane.com