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healing
Jul 7, 2015 18:26:19 GMT -5
Post by bitterbetty on Jul 7, 2015 18:26:19 GMT -5
I like that song and love George Strait. But, for many it is NOT simply a matter of 'riding away.' Sometimes, I wish it were.... HUH! Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know that! Maybe riding away is the easy way out. But, maybe not. "Riding away" can be painful, and not always running from your problems. Consider this: There are those cases in which riding away is the most VIABLE option at the time. Fact of the matter is I've been in and out of many situations before and that doesn't make me an expert by no means, but what it taught is that we are given certain options, right? Sometimes the best option is going to sticking it out and making it work. Other options are when you can ride away with what is left of your soul, heart, and sanity. Yes, there ARE times when you need to "ride away". Get out of certain situations. This does not always equate with "running from your problems". What happens when a person has no more options? No more options? I've been there. You feel like you are sweating BULLETS! *SIGH* Well, perhaps it is when you have run out of options (of what you yourself can do) you ask for HELP. Sound simple? Sound easy? Asking for help comes easier for some that others. I had to learn to ask for help. LEARN it. Learning means you need to PRACTICE. How many times when person feels they have no options left, have they FORGOTTEN that they can ask for help?
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healing
Jul 7, 2015 18:42:30 GMT -5
Post by kurtzphil69 on Jul 7, 2015 18:42:30 GMT -5
Some people would rather 'ride away' than ask for help!
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Post by snow on Jul 7, 2015 18:45:05 GMT -5
Yes, so true... You thought you were 'over' something...but then something can come up that is like a 'TRIGGER' and can start the grieving again. I don't know if you ever get over losing someone you love... I wonder if you do. Mom passed away last September, and what trips me up are not the obvious things like Mother's Day or her birthday, it is wanting to call to tell her something and realizing I can't. That's what I find the hardest too hberry. I lost my adopted mom in 2005 and we talked everyday on the phone. I had a real hard time with that time of day, but also when I needed to have a question answered and realized I couldn't ask her anymore. I lost my birth mom a year ago in January. I knew her for 16 years but there were still so many questions I hadn't got up the courage to ask and then she suddenly had a stroke and died within a couple of months. I so wish I had asked her all the things I wanted to know about. That window of opportunity has closed. It's still hard to believe she isn't there to just pick up the phone and talk to. It's hard losing a mom and I've lost 2 but I was also very lucky to have them in my life. Big hugs!
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Post by snow on Jul 7, 2015 18:48:16 GMT -5
Thank you. My Dad passed away 7 years before Mom did, and she was lonely with him gone. She said sometimes that she'd feel something in the room with her, but she'd turn and no one was there, and sheets brushing her shoulders at night made her think of Dad. She did amazingly well, but she was often mentioned that the evenings were so long by herself. They had 60+ years. I feel for your Mom; it has to be harder than we might imagine until the shoe is on our own foot. Yes. Mmmmm. My mom is going similar things that you have described. She has said that she felt my dad come to her at night and just hold her. My mom too. She said she would be lying there with her eyes closed and someone would take her hand and she'd open her eyes and no one was there. My parents had been married almost 66 years so it must be really hard to live on without the other one. A part of yourself would be missing I think.
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healing
Jul 7, 2015 18:52:16 GMT -5
Post by snow on Jul 7, 2015 18:52:16 GMT -5
Some people would rather 'ride away' than ask for help! That's definitely me.
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healing
Jul 7, 2015 19:00:06 GMT -5
Post by bitterbetty on Jul 7, 2015 19:00:06 GMT -5
Some people would rather 'ride away' than ask for help! OH, believe me when I say, I know very well how to simply: Ride Away. And, to be totally HONEST, my flesh has enjoyed RIDING AWAY! But, in my heart and soul I know and believe that the Lord entreats us to turn to Him, instead of turn away and ride away. I'll grant it that getting out of certain situations is needful. But too often, when a person 'leaves' they also distance themselves from the very things that might help them. In life and throughout life, it's my belief that the Lord doesn't always force us to turn to Him, but maybe allows us to come to the end of ourselves and in so doing, we have exhausted our own options and we (finally) turn to Him. This is the beginning of walking through an open door that can lead us to amazing places. It may be felt we are 'giving something up'. But really, we are embracing more possibilities than we could imagine in our human thinking. I like to think about what an eagle does every times it soars. Is it not 'changing' its strength and relying on another strength to carry it beyond and above....? Isaiah 40:31
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Deleted
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healing
Jul 7, 2015 19:34:56 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 19:34:56 GMT -5
Tomorrow in radiology, they will be administering three steroid shots, each hip and the right shoulder. It promises temporary (3 month) relief without need for (as much, anyway!) mind altering drugs. What comes next? Who knows? Bye.
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Post by snow on Jul 7, 2015 20:11:11 GMT -5
Tomorrow in radiology, they will be administering three steroid shots, each hip and the right shoulder. It promises temporary (3 month) relief without need for (as much, anyway!) mind altering drugs. What comes next? Who knows? Bye. Hope it relieves the pain Dennis. They work very well for some people. Let one of them be you!
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 7, 2015 20:22:41 GMT -5
Good luck tomorrow Dennis!
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Post by maryhig on Jul 8, 2015 4:22:39 GMT -5
I am very sorry for your loss and can relate. My dad passed away sort of suddenly 2 & 1/2 years ago and I miss just being able to call him up and talk...He had his faults and short-comings, as we all do, but there has never been any doubt that he loved his family so much and was very proud of all his kids... Perhaps more perplexing for me is watching my mom grieve for him. She still misses him so much and feels such an emptiness with him gone. She's been depressed, even though she still has much to live for... She misses her main support person. I try to imagine what it would be like to lose a 50+ year love of your life relationship. It's definitely harder for her than I thought it would be.... Thank you. My Dad passed away 7 years before Mom did, and she was lonely with him gone. She said sometimes that she'd feel something in the room with her, but she'd turn and no one was there, and sheets brushing her shoulders at night made her think of Dad. She did amazingly well, but she was often mentioned that the evenings were so long by herself. They had 60+ years. I feel for your Mom; it has to be harder than we might imagine until the shoe is on our own foot. I read this late last night, and sobbed my heart out! This and your post about just wanting to phone your mum and she's not there. I broke my heart crying. My husband thought something has happened to me. But what you wrote brought a few things home to me. Firstly my dad left my mum when she was young. She stayed on her own and brought up the kids. She had plenty to do when she and the kids were young, but she must have been so lonely at night as she got older, and it hadn't hit home until I read your post! She phones sometimes at 11 pm. And although I love talking to her, I used to wonder why she phoned so late. She must have been lonely. I didn't realise. That shows how wrong my heart can be, that I didn't see that. I knew she must have felt it at times, but not how long those nights must have felt! She comes to mine a lot, and we have the meeting 3 evenings a week, so that must help but she must feel so lonely at times. And my mother in law, my father in law died 2 months ago, and she said the silence is hard. She is doing plenty and we see her too, but it must be so hard for them when they are in their own. Especially my mother on law at the moment! Your posts (and others) have made me realise I need to do more. Even a phone call more in the evenings. Thank for posting, it just shows you, that you never know how what we are saying touches people. Whether to heal, or put right. Your posts did both to me! Thanks again
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hberry
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Post by hberry on Jul 8, 2015 10:54:32 GMT -5
Thanks MaryH for your kind words. I didn't realize how long the evenings were for Mom until the last year of her life, and I feel bad that I didn't spend more time with her. However, knowing that my post has helped you understand how your Mom and MIL might be feeling encourages my heart.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 11:56:34 GMT -5
...Perhaps more perplexing for me is watching my mom grieve for him. She still misses him so much and feels such an emptiness with him gone. She's been depressed, even though she still has much to live for... She misses her main support person. I try to imagine what it would be like to lose a 50+ year love of your life relationship. It's definitely harder for her than I thought it would be.... The difference between 50 years and forty years is ten years of love and experience.
When Abraham's wife was taken, he had none to share life with, until finding "Katurah." since discovering her, and the influence she had on Abraham, I have been amazed at how many go through nearly their entire lifetime ignorant of her life and what she became to him. After my Ylva was gone, and I had the OHS, awaking in great pain, with loving hands holding mine, at first I was confused, then knew who it was holding my hand at that moment. The thankfulness at having someone still who cared was, is, indescribable. Did it mean I loved Ylva any less? Absolutey not!
It meant I had someone to love and be loved by until this period of lifetime shall also pass. Life goes on, until it's end. Yes, I had to make that deliberate choice to go on with life, and proved my God's existence to myself yet once again. Glad for being able to do that, and now face what lies ahead even this very day with a best friend in life. She lovingly and kindly drives me when I must be somewhere, is the last face I see in falling to sleep, and upon awakening. I thank my God for her continually.
When my mother died, I mentioned to my wife that my father would be gone within 3 months. He was. Should my "Katurah" die before me, I too, will be gone within 3 months. Everything I attempt to do now is to make life easier for my new wife and her 3 children when I am pushing up daisys. This life is soo short! Please be kind to her.
DennisJ
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Post by snow on Jul 8, 2015 14:34:52 GMT -5
Maryhig, don't be too hard on yourself. It's sometimes hard to understand the loneliness until one has lived it or it's been brought to our attention, like just happened for you. My birth mom used to call me at 11 at night sometimes too, especially right after her husband died. She was living alone on the farm and it must have been incredibly lonely for her at first. She moved into town to the villa and there she had lots of people to talk to and she enjoyed it so much that I think it was us taking her away from her busy schedule when we would phone, thinking she might be lonely lol. I am so glad she found a place where she could be the outgoing lady she was. But when she was on the farm you could tell it wasn't good for her and my sisters and I would talk to her late into the night sometimes. Luckily she and I were night owls so I usually took the later calls as I was awake usually anyway.
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 15:03:26 GMT -5
Thank you. My Dad passed away 7 years before Mom did, and she was lonely with him gone. She said sometimes that she'd feel something in the room with her, but she'd turn and no one was there, and sheets brushing her shoulders at night made her think of Dad. She did amazingly well, but she was often mentioned that the evenings were so long by herself. They had 60+ years. I feel for your Mom; it has to be harder than we might imagine until the shoe is on our own foot. I read this late last night, and sobbed my heart out! This and your post about just wanting to phone your mum and she's not there. I broke my heart crying. My husband thought something has happened to me. But what you wrote brought a few things home to me. Firstly my dad left my mum when she was young. She stayed on her own and brought up the kids. She had plenty to do when she and the kids were young, but she must have been so lonely at night as she got older, and it hadn't hit home until I read your post! She phones sometimes at 11 pm. And although I love talking to her, I used to wonder why she phoned so late. She must have been lonely. I didn't realise. That shows how wrong my heart can be, that I didn't see that. I knew she must have felt it at times, but not how long those nights must have felt! She comes to mine a lot, and we have the meeting 3 evenings a week, so that must help but she must feel so lonely at times. And my mother in law, my father in law died 2 months ago, and she said the silence is hard. She is doing plenty and we see her too, but it must be so hard for them when they are in their own. Especially my mother on law at the moment! Your posts (and others) have made me realise I need to do more. Even a phone call more in the evenings. Thank for posting, it just shows you, that you never know how what we are saying touches people. Whether to heal, or put right. Your posts did both to me! Thanks again Ummm. Thanks much for your openness! The elderly are often sort of forgotten and not just in the one sense, but in various ways. I think that we forget that the elderly can suffer from depression and loneliness and I think we at times assume that because they are 'older' they have somehow worked through all their problems and issues and have resolved them and live life with peace and gratitude. The 'Golden Years' were named so for a reason. But, the elderly face struggles that we may not not know about. They don't always wear their hearts on their sleeves. Many of them pre-date the Oprah generation in which it's a tell-all free-for-all media circus sometimes. Many of the elderly are indeed from the generation of not sharing all their feelings and struggles. Shhh. Don't talk about your problems. Just grin and bear it. While a certain amount of that has its place, I'm don't thinks it's healthy in the long run. Lots of 'stuff' from the past as far back as their childhood can plague them, but they've tried to bury it in the past only to have it resurface in some way, shape, or form.
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healing
Jul 8, 2015 15:31:46 GMT -5
Post by kurtzphil69 on Jul 8, 2015 15:31:46 GMT -5
Don't know how many older and elderly folks over the last 4 years or so have told me, "Don't get old! It's not all it's cracked up to be". It doesn't get easier as we get older, in many ways it just gets harder and harder". That is kind of sad, but I do appreciate the candidness. I guess they could have painted me a rosy, glowing, golden picture.
So what can we do about it? I guess what I am saying is that when I get to be that age I don't want to feel WORSE and I don't want life to just get harder. I want life to grow sweeter. I don't expect easy street, no, but I DO wish to have something positive to look forward to instead of, "Oh it just gets harder."
And, I am not doubting what those people are saying. For them, life has gotten harder in many ways. The aging body, for one. Knees that wear out and need replaced. Eyesight that grows dim. Aches and pains. Fatigue. Insomnia. (you would think it's easier to sleep as you get older, but for many it's harder.)People you love and know start dying off all around you...etc, etc.
So, I've given myself a mental and attitude challenge that there HAS to be something more redeeming about growing old, than feeling it's all up hill...
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 15:46:01 GMT -5
Maryhig, don't be too hard on yourself. I can join in with snow to say don't be too hard on yourself. Typically when we lose someone we love and care about, we come up with some regrets. One of the most common of course, being, I wish I had spent more time with that person. But, you've got your life to live and perhaps it is very busy and full. I like to think that the people you love also love you in return and because they love you, they understand more than you know that you can only do so much. But, there are no 're-do's'. However, it is SWEET when we do get those second chances from time to time. I think most folks do their best and can we expect more than that? So, just as we have treated others graciously, we also need to be gracious with ourselves.
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hberry
Senior Member
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Post by hberry on Jul 8, 2015 15:52:30 GMT -5
Maryhig, don't be too hard on yourself. I can join in with snow to say don't be too hard on yourself. Typically when we lose someone we love and care about, we come up with some regrets. One of the most common of course, being, I wish I had spent more time with that person. But, you've got your life to live and perhaps it is very busy and full. I like to think that the people you love also love you in return and because they love you, they understand more than you know that you can only do so much. But, there are no 're-do's'. However, it is SWEET when we do get those second chances from time to time. I think most folks do their best and can we expect more than that? So, just as we have treated others graciously, we also need to be gracious with ourselves. I think it is common to have some twinges of "I wish" once a person was gone. Mom did, and now I do....but I take comfort in knowing she so often said "I don't know what I'd do without you," and then smile and say "that's exactly what my Mom said to me." I think the older folks understand that life is busy; after all, it was for them too at one time. It is always nice if something jolts your awareness while you have time to make some changes, however.
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 16:28:04 GMT -5
I can join in with snow to say don't be too hard on yourself. Typically when we lose someone we love and care about, we come up with some regrets. One of the most common of course, being, I wish I had spent more time with that person. But, you've got your life to live and perhaps it is very busy and full. I like to think that the people you love also love you in return and because they love you, they understand more than you know that you can only do so much. But, there are no 're-do's'. However, it is SWEET when we do get those second chances from time to time. I think most folks do their best and can we expect more than that? So, just as we have treated others graciously, we also need to be gracious with ourselves. It is always nice if something jolts your awareness while you have time to make some changes, however. I like that: "Jolt your awareness". Right on.
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 16:43:54 GMT -5
Your posts (and others) have made me realise I need to do more. Even a phone call more in the evenings. Thank for posting, it just shows you, that you never know how what we are saying touches people. Whether to heal, or put right. Your posts did both to me! Yep! You never know...right on... So much truth to that. We never know when our words and actions might be just the right touch to help another get through the day or a certain period of time...or-jolt their awareness. As to spending the time/taking the time: -Over the years as a nurse, I discovered that it is often not the most technically good things that patients and their families value the most nor what sticks with them the most. Maybe what a person needs most at any given moment is just your time...time to listen, time to address questions, maybe just a few genuine kind words. It doesn't have to anything fancy per se, even & it may not even involve a LOT of time. A few words spoken just so can make a person feel they still have their dignity and are cared for...Some in the medical field have a real and precious knack for that! And truly, the most highly prized doctors are the ones who are technically excellent, but also give that extra "something" (I don't have the right word right now), but think you might know what I mean. I could 'say' a lot more about this, but have to stop somewhere...
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healing
Jul 8, 2015 17:23:28 GMT -5
Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 17:23:28 GMT -5
Regret.
*sigh*
Part of complete healing is dealing with your regret. We all have it, of course. Because we are not perfect and so as we live life we make mistakes, for which can feel regretful about. So, it's a given. Regret. For me, it's been a journey in making peace with the past and living with mistakes to find a way to somehow let regret go...for I came to realize it was eating me up inside. I had to release it.
Releasing regret can be just as hard as letting anything else that is stubborn go...When I knew I had to do that, though, I didn't know exactly where to start. But, I kept at it and finally I just came to a place of giving myself PERMISSION to let go of regret and stop carrying it with me through life.
They say yourself is the hardest person to forgive. But, to be happy, healthy, and whole that is just what is needed.
Does that mean we forget the lessons we learned from our mistakes? No. Does that mean we are giving ourselves permission to repeat the same mistakes? No. It means we forgive ourself and put regret where it belongs which not in our purse to carry around everywhre, but to move forward without that weight.
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Post by bendle on Jul 8, 2015 17:32:41 GMT -5
One thing that needs to heal and conversely only really appears when one starts to heal, or come to terms with something, is the realisation of lost time. I have heard various people mention it over the years but only really 'got it' a few years ago when I got things straight in my own head. Speaking personally I lost a decade or so of my life whilst tied up in knots inside and it was talking about it all or rather realising that I COULD talk about it that started me healing. There were other things too but in the main it was talking that did it. I also realised that I myself had to allow myself to give up my own hurt, bitterness, negativity and allow myself to heal and come out the other side into my new normality. But the one thing I did struggle to put away was the notion of blame, it was very easy to use that as a shield to hide behind. I don't know why I suffered in silence for so many years and those lost years will never come back. I have since had other things to grieve and to heal from and have seemed to do so relatively simply by comparison. I have become the person I am through my experiences, as is true for us all, and in my case I am happy with who I have turned out to be.
For those who cannot heal, whose wounds are too deep, I have the greatest of sympathy. I hope somehow that they can find a way to lessen the pain whether it be talking about it, writing it down or beating a truck tyre with a sledgehammer as in the case of someone close to me (I went and got them the tyre, in fact it was my sledgehammer too).
The above is my experience, I am essentially an atheist (if I was going to label myself) so you will no doubt notice that I have not mentioned god and prayer as being of help to me....
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 19:02:46 GMT -5
One thing that needs to heal and conversely only really appears when one starts to heal, or come to terms with something, is the realisation of lost time. I have heard various people mention it over the years but only really 'got it' a few years ago when I got things straight in my own head. Speaking personally I lost a decade or so of my life whilst tied up in knots inside and it was talking about it all or rather realising that I COULD talk about it that started me healing. There were other things too but in the main it was talking that did it. I also realised that I myself had to allow myself to give up my own hurt, bitterness, negativity and allow myself to heal and come out the other side into my new normality. But the one thing I did struggle to put away was the notion of blame, it was very easy to use that as a shield to hide behind. I don't know why I suffered in silence for so many years and those lost years will never come back. I have since had other things to grieve and to heal from and have seemed to do so relatively simply by comparison. I have become the person I am through my experiences, as is true for us all, and in my case I am happy with who I have turned out to be. For those who cannot heal, whose wounds are too deep, I have the greatest of sympathy. I hope somehow that they can find a way to lessen the pain whether it be talking about it, writing it down or beating a truck tyre with a sledgehammer as in the case of someone close to me (I went and got them the tyre, in fact it was my sledgehammer too). Thx for sharing this. I found it helpful... Yes, I think many can relate to lost time, or wasted time and blame, both of which can bring grief. Why is it so many default to blaming their self, I wonder? But, that is what seems to happen. There is no guilt like parental guilt for example and when a child goes astray, oh how a parent can blame their self and grieve. There is also something called caregiver guilt-things do go wrong from time to time and rather just accept it as *things* happen, people blame their self and think of ways they could have done it differently so that a better outcome could have been reached. There is also survivor's guilt, when one significant other dies and the one left living somehow thinks they should have done more to keep the other person alive. And on it goes...
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Post by kurtzphil69 on Jul 8, 2015 19:19:50 GMT -5
Time.
All we really have is now. Yes, we can revisit the past, but we cannot bring it back.
The past is past. We can't go back in time and do it over, (except in the movies). IMO, revisiting the past is not a taboo thing-we can reflect in a nice way on pleasant memories. Precious memories. Remembering the past is not all bad. We learn from history.
The future is not here yet. In fact, we have no idea if tomorrow will come or what it will bring.
So, this brings us back around to the present.
Believers look forward to an eternal life in a much better place; but even then, eternity starts now.
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Post by bitterbetty on Jul 8, 2015 20:41:57 GMT -5
I agree with the OP, and I'm sure that most people do. I'm sure that most people that have been hurt want to get to this point as well. That being said, one thing that I think is so calloused is when someone that hasn't been hurt in the same way someone else has, decides they know how fast this person should heal. Even if they have been through it, no two people are alike. Having suddenly and tragically lost someone very close to me, I can tell you that myself, and the rest of everyone close to who we lost all healed in different times and manners. Some will never be the same, but they have learned to live on and enjoy life. For me to say that I even begin to understand the hurt they have suffered is ignorant. I can only understand my own pain and hurt. I healed pretty quickly, but to expect the others to heal as quick as I did would be ignorant. For those that have never been through a tragic loss to claim they understand or even have any idea what the healing time should be would be even more ignorant. This would go for most any emotional pain or hurt. I couldn't agree more. Another thing is what I will loosely term 'competitive healing'. Comparing oneself to others and feeling one must keep pace with another rather than just go at their own pace. Why this tendency, I don't know...but I want to say, "This is not a competition or a race"! I wonder if messages are given off from caregivers regarding this; expectations of where one should be at certain times. Even with physical wound healing that is tricky. With inner emotional wounds there likely to be an even greater variant and definitely no two alike, as you say.... Yep, no two wounds the same...
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