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Humor
Nov 14, 2014 21:12:23 GMT -5
Post by BobWilliston on Nov 14, 2014 21:12:23 GMT -5
Well, there you go. I expect Bert will come along shortly and tell us this is sure evidence that the end of the world is coming in approximately 92 seconds. We have a tattoo convention every fall here in Las Vegas, and we've been to see it a couple of times. One time my wife pointed out to me that "That woman over there is naked." After most close examination I discovered she actually was naked. I was quite amazed. I thought she was quite .... unattractive otherwise.
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Humor
Nov 15, 2014 13:56:10 GMT -5
faune likes this
Post by CherieKropp on Nov 15, 2014 13:56:10 GMT -5
She had to be freezing! Everyone else was bundled up in coats!
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Humor
Nov 15, 2014 14:25:01 GMT -5
Post by dmmichgood on Nov 15, 2014 14:25:01 GMT -5
Well, there you go. I expect Bert will come along shortly and tell us this is sure evidence that the end of the world is coming in approximately 92 seconds. Yes, Bert. yahoo? Where are you?
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Post by déjà vu on Nov 15, 2014 17:24:25 GMT -5
>From now on I believe in The Prophet Muhammad.
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the ol' Mighty and the Prophet Muhamad you will walk today. I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
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Post by BobWilliston on Nov 15, 2014 18:28:44 GMT -5
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Humor
Nov 16, 2014 15:59:16 GMT -5
Annan likes this
Post by BobWilliston on Nov 16, 2014 15:59:16 GMT -5
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Humor
Nov 18, 2014 2:30:38 GMT -5
Post by dmmichgood on Nov 18, 2014 2:30:38 GMT -5
It was the year 1929. It was a muggy summer down way down in the south. A Tramp Preacher is wandering along an isolated country road, somewhere in rural Gerogia. He comes across another Tramp Preacher who is about to jump off of a bridge. “Brother! Why are you going to jump off of that bridge?” “I’m tired of living. My companion ran off with some floozy. I’m travelling alone, and no one will listen to my message. I have no food. I have nowhere to sleep, and I feel completely rejected by God and man. I just want to end it all!” The first Preacher said, “Well, my companion ran off with a floozy too! I'm also travelling alone! If we agree with one another, maybe we could travel together! Let me ask you some questions. Do you believe in following Mather 10?” The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe in following Matthew 10!” The first says, “I don’t believe in the trinity.” The suicidal Preacher says, “I don’t believe in the trinity either!” The first Preacher says, “I believe the Roman Catholic Church it the W*o*e of Babylon.” The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe the Roman Catholic Church is the *h*r* of Babylon too!” The first Preacher says, "I believe that Hirlings are going to burn in the fires of hell forever and ever!" The suicidal Preacher says, "I believe in the fires of hell too!" The first Preacher says, "I believe that meetings must be held in a private home, and that Church buildings are sinful." The suicidal Preacher says, "I believe in house meetings too! And may God strike all steeples with lightning!" The first Preacher says, “I believe that women should not cut their hair, nor wear make-up or jewelry.” The suicidal Preacher says, “I believe woman should be plain too!” The first Preacher then says, “Well, we agree on all of the basics! So, why don’t you come and travel with me? We can preach together and take care of each other!” The suicidal preacher says, “I’d love too!” The first Preacher says, “But, before we agree to travel together, I must ask you one more very important question.” The suicidal Preacher says, “Go ahead and ask!” “Do you believe that Edward Cooney is a true Tramp Preacher?” The suicidal Preacher replied, “Yes, I do!” The first preacher gives the suicidal preacher a shove off of the bridge and hollars, “Then die you heretic scum! Die!” Hey! Thanks! that was a nice take off of Elmo Pillips: the Golden Gate Bridge!
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Humor
Nov 18, 2014 12:16:47 GMT -5
Post by déjà vu on Nov 18, 2014 12:16:47 GMT -5
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
"Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after
I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't
need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and
said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
__.
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Humor
Nov 19, 2014 10:35:56 GMT -5
Post by déjà vu on Nov 19, 2014 10:35:56 GMT -5
Subject: Fw: Are you Mohammed?
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter.. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, my Lord." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
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Post by BobWilliston on Nov 19, 2014 20:22:41 GMT -5
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Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 14:30:13 GMT -5
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Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 14:30:59 GMT -5
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Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 14:32:03 GMT -5
[
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Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 14:33:00 GMT -5
I guess there is no going back now.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Humor
Nov 20, 2014 16:37:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 16:37:49 GMT -5
I guess there is no going back now. i like the optical illusion part of that..
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Nov 20, 2014 16:52:07 GMT -5
snow likes this
Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 16:52:07 GMT -5
I guess there is no going back now. i like the optical illusion part of that.. Religion has inspired a lot of nice art. That one is not for me, but I can still appreciate the design and "execution" of the art so to speak.
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Humor
Nov 20, 2014 17:24:53 GMT -5
Post by BobWilliston on Nov 20, 2014 17:24:53 GMT -5
Someone in this group may know the answer already.
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Post by xna on Nov 20, 2014 17:26:09 GMT -5
Someone in this group may know the answer already. Ok Bob, show us your other arm
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Post by BobWilliston on Nov 20, 2014 19:24:56 GMT -5
A man's daughter comes out as a lesbian. The father, being open-minded, congratulates her on her confidence and doesn't complain.
A month later, his other daughter comes out as a lesbian. Slightly annoyed, the father maintains himself and lets her know that he doesn't mind.
Still another month later, the man's third daughter comes out as a lesbian. The man is mad now, and yells, "isn't there anyone in this house that likes men?"
From the kitchen, his son yells back, "I do!"
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Humor
Nov 20, 2014 19:26:17 GMT -5
Post by BobWilliston on Nov 20, 2014 19:26:17 GMT -5
Someone in this group may know the answer already. Ok Bob, show us your other arm Oh, it's not my other arm.
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Humor
Nov 21, 2014 20:18:16 GMT -5
Post by xna on Nov 21, 2014 20:18:16 GMT -5
Needs a caption
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Post by déjà vu on Nov 21, 2014 21:36:42 GMT -5
> > WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HOLD REGULAR JOBS > 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: > "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the > kids to copulate me." > > 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming > season: > "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.." > > 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: > "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," > Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." > > 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John > Jenkins: > "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings." > > 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: > "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like > Norman Einstein." > > 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : > "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." > (Now that is beautiful) > > 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: > "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," > And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." > > 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: > "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for > three years, not Princeton ..." > > 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a > color photo of himself above his locker: > "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my > clothes." > > 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of > heavyweight Andrew Golota: > "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what > time it is." > > 11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to > Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: > "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an > uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in > January) > > 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: > "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' > He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" > > 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told > a player who received four F's and one D: > "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." > > 14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: > "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious." > > 15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why > he takes his wife on all the road trips, > Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
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Post by BobWilliston on Nov 24, 2014 0:25:46 GMT -5
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Post by déjà vu on Nov 24, 2014 0:37:36 GMT -5
> For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove > is an 'Australian treasure!' > > General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. > > Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. > > > Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! > > This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. > > It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: > So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? > > GENERAL COSGROVE: > We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: > Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? > > GENERAL COSGROVE: > I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: > Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? > > GENERAL COSGROVE: > I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: > But you're equipping them to become violent killers. > > GENERAL COSGROVE: > Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? > > The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
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Humor
Nov 24, 2014 21:36:49 GMT -5
Post by déjà vu on Nov 24, 2014 21:36:49 GMT -5
Dairy of a Blonde JAN: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. FEB: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hellloooo!!!!! Bottles won"t fit in typewriter. MAR: Got really excited------ finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months Box said "2---4" years. APR: Trapped on escalator for hours------ power went out. MAY: Tried to make Kool-Aid----- wrong instructions----8 cups of water won't fit into those tiny packets!!!!!! JUN: Tried to waterski-----couldn't find a lake with a slope. JUL: Lost the breast stroke swimming contest---- learned later The other swimmers cheated--- they used their arms. AUG: Got locked out of my car in rain storm----- car swamped Because soft-top was open. SEP: The capital of California is "C" ------isn't it!!!!! ? OCT: Hate Smarties--- they are so hard to peel!!! NOV: Baked turkey for 4 ? days ----- instructions said 1 hour per pound And I weigh 108!!!! DEC: Couln't call 911----- duh-there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone.
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Humor
Nov 25, 2014 18:21:55 GMT -5
Post by BobWilliston on Nov 25, 2014 18:21:55 GMT -5
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Post by Gene on Nov 25, 2014 18:53:07 GMT -5
Dairy of a Blonde JAN: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. FEB: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hellloooo!!!!! Bottles won"t fit in typewriter. MAR: Got really excited------ finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months Box said "2---4" years. APR: Trapped on escalator for hours------ power went out. MAY: Tried to make Kool-Aid----- wrong instructions----8 cups of water won't fit into those tiny packets!!!!!! JUN: Tried to waterski-----couldn't find a lake with a slope. JUL: Lost the breast stroke swimming contest---- learned later The other swimmers cheated--- they used their arms. AUG: Got locked out of my car in rain storm----- car swamped Because soft-top was open. SEP: The capital of California is "C" ------isn't it!!!!! ? OCT: Hate Smarties--- they are so hard to peel!!! NOV: Baked turkey for 4 ? days ----- instructions said 1 hour per pound And I weigh 108!!!! DEC: Couln't call 911----- duh-there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone. I can't get past "Dairy"
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Post by xna on Nov 25, 2014 21:12:01 GMT -5
My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they each wanted one.
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